Friday

Well I am happy I can access my journal today since I couldn't do so yesterday.  Anyway I am trying to take everything one moment at a time today since so much is going on. 

I'm busy the afternoon in the office then I am working valet from 5 to 2 am tonight with big parties.  Tomorrow I leave in the morning to do my 14 hour round trip to NY to pick up my son.  So I am trying to get many things done this morning to be ready. 

I stopped by to see my Mom and do some exercises with her and tell her I wouldn't see her till Monday.  I was impressed she knew people in the pictures which was good.  I found a new place for her that would work until her money ran out sometime in the next year then we would have to move her into their nursing home unit, but at least it would all be the same place.  So I'll try to get the paperwork down over the next week while Eric is here, but he is my main focus for the week.

Had to track down my divorce papers this morning since the clerks office apologized since they have no clue where they went.  So I can pick them up Monday. 

Doing better today.  I have been bothered the last few days and when I meditated on it.  I realized that I am feeling less than about myself.  It has to do with all my Mom's stuff.  I am unable to meet my expectations of what I would like for her, but since I am playing by her financial rules it is out of my hands.  So reality and expectations clash and I think less of myself even though I am getting many compliments for the work I am doing.  Like usual it is easier to listen to the bad than the good.  So I worked yesterday on building myself back up and feel better today.

I know you gals say this all the time, but it still surprises me when I catch a woman looking at me.  It was funny last night at valet as I was coming out of the parking garage I went pass this woman.  When I turned to check her out I caught her already checking me out.  It was pretty funny.

RRRRR

Well my son didn't call Monday during our normally scheduled time.  Nor yesterday.  I called yesterday and today to make sure everything was ok.  Got no response.  There is always some crap that comes up the week I am going to pick him up.  So I was torn are they dead and can't call or is my ex doing the usual psychological torture.  One of these days I am going to drop kick her head across a football field.  Anyway later than normal my son did call me.  No explanation nor did I look for one from him since it is not his responsibility. 

Anyway I am the proud daddy with this being Eric's last day of first grade.  He got all 3-4's on his report card which was great.  Funny he already got his supply list for 2nd grade. 

On my Mom's front we are now looking for a nursing home since her money isn't going to last very long and she should be qualified for Medicaid now.  I had hoped to give her more time in a nice facility, but it is not to be. 

Oh I Forgot This One

During my trek up from Florida at one of my many pit stops.  I walked into the rest stop and went to the bathroom seeing the "men" letters.  On walking in I saw 2 women at the sinks.  Whoops!  I guess I missed the "wo-" in front.  Oh well.  The ladies had a good laugh.

Tuesday Night

Well the new bed is in and it is glorious.  I was kind of thinking that it was an extravagance for me and to stick with the air mattress, but after sleeping on a real bed for the last few nights I knew it was the right move.  Slowly making changes throughout the office making it nicer for business and personal. 

My son didn't call last night on our normal scheduled night nor tonight.  I called and left a message saying I was worried since I didn't hear from him.  So we will see what tomorrow brings.  I was surprised that my letter to my ex worked to a point.  She is still contacting me through the mail system, but at least she is using it for communicating our son's information and welfare instead of through him.

I have a appointment with a new place for my Mom tomorrow so we will see.  The big problem is that at the cost of these places she has about 6 months of money before going to a nursing home.  We had one place say they wanted a 4 year commitment which would be $250,000.  Yeah we all have that burning holes in our back problems.  So still trying to come up with a solution.

I miss not having a bathtub now.  It was nice last night to pick up a candle and some bath oil to sit and relax at the hotel.  A nice treat. 

Hot & Sweaty

Whew!  Well I am back home after dropping all Mom's stuff at her place.  Glad to hear all the nice things about her and I realized that most people even staff don't know she will be moving out at some point.  She was doing well and having someone sitting with all day seems to be doing her good.  Finding a new place has hit a snag in that one they are more expensive and that when money runs out she will have to go to a nursing home since there is no Medicaid acceptance.  So we are pondering what to do. 

The funny thing at the facility is that I am the "handsome son".  So I have all of the aid staff running up to say hello.  LOL.

Okay now comes the hard part of shifting back to normal work mode.  Glad the day isn't packed since I need time.

Monday Evening

Well I did about 9 hours of the drive.  I was thinking about doing the last 4 1/2 hours, but then it just hit me and I was really tired so I stopped.  Glad I did because I am really bushed and I don't want to start the first day back in the office wiped.  Talking to my friend this morning he said I finally sounded alive in many a day.  So Taking this time to relax will help.  Now the hard part will be staying awake till I am hungry again for dinner.  I just ate a little while before I stopped.

I learned a few things in my drive today.  That road kill in the deep south doesn't really have raccoons or possums.  It's all armadillos.  They must be top heavy creatures since they were all dead on the back.  The other is that classic rock stations seem to go by different animals.  In VA Beach we have the Fox, but on the way up I listened to the Gator, the Eagle, the Hawk, and the Black Dog.  I don't see what the connection is between these things, but I am tired.

The first part of the trip I think all the stress of the last few weeks came out.  I was completely nuts in the car.  I have to say I was scared that I had lost my sanity.  However tonight finds me in my usual place in my head.

Monday Morning

Well it was really nice to just sit around yesterday, watch TV, and read.  I didn't think I would get a chance to relax on this trip.  I could have left yesterday about 3 if I wanted to, but I am glad I just took it easy.  So I'll have breakfast with my Aunt & Uncle before I go.  I'll drive 7-8 hours today then stop to rest and finish the trip tomorrow.  Trying to break my man on a mission mindset.  While it allows me to get a lot done and I can really stress myself out.

While I was probably anorexic as a child I realized on this trip that many of my episodes of weakness that I thought were from hunger were probably anxiety attacks.  Saturday in trying to get it all done at once I had one of those attacks.  Room spins, weakness, etc.  Haven't had one in a long time, but I knew I just had a big meal with my Aunt & Uncle so I knew I wasn't hungry.  So I put 2 and 2 together.  Food and sex does calm the body down and I have done both over the years to bring myself back to normalcy.  So it was interesting to connect some dots.

It's weird since Fridays conference it is hard to think of my Mom's place as a warm place.  I know deep down I am angry with them and it will take a while to let that go.  So it feels weird to bring move all my Mom's stuff in there till we move her out, but their is no place else to put it.  Also we are paying for the space so we might as well use it.

Florida

Well I am still here in Florida.  I took a different airlines this time since I needed a ride to the airport.  Never again.  I'll pay to go the extra 30 minutes.  The flight was more expensive. I got the airport and it was a humungous line.  One plane was not going.  No one knew which one.  I didn't need the stress.  Anyway it wasn't mine.  While I am waiting for my flight they announce that they have too many passengers for the plane.  I thought this was what reservations where all about.  So there are bargaining with people to transfer to a later flight.  Again more stress.  Anyway both planes I was packed in like cattle.  Philadelphia airport is a monster to get around.  Next time I'm back to my Airtran.

Well in less than 24 hours I have packed the car and cleaned the house out.  So now I am just relaxing.  I will make it a 2 day trip back to VA.  I'm not killing myself to do it.  One thing I am always amazed at when I do this Mom stuff is where I get all my stuff from.  One of th<SPAN class=spell id=sp-5 title="Click here to replace with: ebbing, gibe" style="PADDING-RIGHT: 2px; BACKGROUND-POSITION: left bottom; PADDING-LEFT: 2px; BACKGROUND-IMAGE: url(http://sdk.webmail.aol.com/sdk/20050527/images/bg_spellingErr.gif); PADDING-BOTTOM: 2px; CURSOR: pointer; COLOR: black; PADDING-TOP: 2px; BACKGROUND-REPEAT: repeat-x; BACKGROUND-COLOR: yellow" _backupTitle="null"> pains was going through all my Mom's papers.  I do it to a lesser extent, but shit I don't want to deal with I put to the side for a later day.  Well my Mom being older has done it to a larger extent plus she is a pack rat. 

Well I am glad to have it done.  I will relax and have dinner with my Aunt & Uncle and then get a good night sleep to drive about 7-8 hours tomorrow.  Then I'll finish it up Tuesday morning since I don't have any patients till 3:30.

One thing I really need to get back is my new patient focus.  My numbers are dropping this week from my focus on my Mom.  The first week of July my son will be here then I need to slam it again to get going again.

Playing Without a Net

Well my SIL just called me to tell me my Mom's neighbor in FL might buy her car.  Hey that would be great, but I was suppose to drive that back up.  With my Mom's stuff.  I would rather fly back up and I guess I will bring down a few suit cases so if I need to I can bring back my Mom's clothes with me.  Then just buy a ticket back for Monday if need be.  Oye.

Aargghhh!!!

"I thought I was out, but they pulled me back in."

I had my care conference for my Mom this morning.  Pretty much I need to find a new place for her since her dementia is more than they can take care of at this place.  Understood, but not happy.  However when they recommended that she have a sitter be with her until she leaves from 7 am to 7 pm  after we are already paying 3k a month for her to be there was pushing it.  Although I know for them it is a liability thing.  All this and I leave for Florida in the morning.  Very grateful for my SIL to offer to help in anyway she can.  So she is going to get the list of new places and find out what is available since I won't be able to really work on it till next Wednesday.  So I am waiting to hear from the home health aide place on getting a sitter.  Just when I thought it was getting slow.

Still trying to let go of D from last night and I think that is the lesson here.  However I still have the Woody Allen line in my head, "how did I miss read those signs."  LOL.  I could count on both hands how many times she said she was a single Mom and I thought the cell phone number was the cherry on top.  Oh well.  She has my number so we will see what happens.

 

D

Continuing to fix my room up better I went to pick up a mattress so I can do away with the air mattress.  The manager was this very attractive woman I will call D.  Actually I didn't really notice till her credit card machine gave her a lot of trouble and we were talking that I noticed how she looked.  It was fun talking to her and she gave me her cell number just in case their was any problems.  So I figure I might as well ask her out for Starbucks.  I got the deer in head lights look.  LOL.  At least I got a reason this time.  She explained she was in a very abusive relationship and was still gun shy about going out with a guy.  We ended up talking for another 30 minutes.  It was a lot of fun.  I left her my card if she ever wanted to talk again. So we will see what the future brings. 

The bad side of all this was that there warehouse was closed and I would have to pick up the bed next week.  The real problem is moving the bed into the office without anyone else seeing it being done since the office is not zoned for this.

Fear

Got the call from the place where my Mom stays that they want to have a care conference tomorrow about my Mom.  Anything with my Mom usually throws me into fear mode.  I guess the fear of them kicking her out.  I know they won't since it is a really good place.  I know it's because they care and want to make sure she is getting what she needs.  However it is powerful.  So I share to break some of the power.

A busy day just dropped to a slow day.  Hate it when that happens.  3 patients just rescheduled to next week.  On the good side I like my new bed stuff.  It is always wonderful how a few things can change the way a room looks.

Thursday

Talking to the nurse over where my Mom is.  She told me there have been problems.  I worry, but it really is just my Mom needs a higher level of care than what she has now.  The rehab place in Florida was totally off the wall with their recommendations.  Lot of this stuff is out of my hands, but it is powerful.  So I share as I always do. 

Got some new sheets for my bed and a frame to get it off of the floor.  I can now store stuff under the bed which is cool.  Unfortunately the container I have is too big.  So I will need to make a trip to Walmart to get something slimmer.

I can't believe looking in the mirror this morning that my forehead seems to be peeling.  Boy I can't remember the last time I peeled.  Anyway my shoulders still sting.  Lets get some equalization. 

Hey wait it is Wednesday night.  I never got a call from my son today.  Very strange.  I was busy at work and I didn't realize the time passing.  I will have to call tomorrow and see what is up.

Looks

Well I talked to a few of you today about the looks that men and women get from each other.  Sometimes I can tell when someone is interested other times I am clueless.  Me examples from today are:

Tara my yoga instructor always gives me big smiles, but I just think she is being friendly.  She saw me in the K-Mart parking lot last week and stopped a nd looked then kept going.  She knows how to contact me so this I leave to her.

At Copy Max today some woman saw me and as she walked by looked at me intensely.  I had to drop my gaze and wonder if I had lobster claws coming out of my ears.  Their was no smile and I have no idea what was going on in her head.

At valet a Hispanic woman that works in the building doesn't smile at me, but I can tell when she looks at me she is interested.

Why do I ramble on about this.  I have no clue.  I think I am punch drunk from not enough sleep last night.  LOL.  Night all.

End of the Day

Well I never got through on the phone to the apartment place.  Some fear on calling.  Part of me would just rather not hear that I can't have it, however it is not my way to give into my fears.  However talking with my friend tonight on a related topic made me realize I was again going on my feelings.  Things are starting to be good, but not great.  I started this path of living in the office to help pay of bills and get back on my feet.  Getting an apartment now goes against that.  As usual I feel good so everything must be great when they are not.  Caught myself faster this time so I am getting better with it.

So I will do a few things to make me like the room better.  To make the experience more enjoyable. 

Guys and Girls

Guys were never taught to smile which in a way is a good thing.  You know when a guy is smiling it means something.  On the other hand you women smile at everything.  What is the line from Le Femme Nikita.  "If you don't know what to say at least smile and look beautiful."  Are you smiling because your interested or just to be polite? 

On other topics.  Boy did the sunburn kick in last night.  I made the mistake of moving at 5 am to needling pain in my shoulders.  OUCH! 

Still no contact with the apartment place to see if I can get it or not.  I will probably have to stop over there in the morning.

I finally got to have lunch with my Mom over at her new place.  The food was good and I was happy to see my Mom eat well.  Her appetite seems to be off since I picked her up from Florida.

Monday Afternoon

Well I filed for divorce today and started the process that will hopefully be finished by summers end.  Will see.  It is nice to be moving forward.

Little bummed.  I went looking for a apartment today and I found a place.  Price is right, near the office, and is ready July 1st.  The bad is that after reading their info is that they don't rent if you have a bankruptcy in the last 3 years.  I had mine last year.  I will call tomorrow and see if there is something I can do.  It would really suck if I can't.

Monday

Well I got a mild sunburn yesterday and it hurts.  It's been a long time since I've been sunburned.  The funny thing I found out while applying ointment is that with out a significant other in your life you can miss the big freak hair on your back.  I have about 3-4 hairs that grow on my back and with some catoursion I can get them.  However last night a found a non colored hair that was like 3" long.  Where the hell did this come from.

I am going to start looking for an apartment today to live in.  Office life has grown stale and it would be cheaper to house my son during the summer.  So let the looking begin.

On another note.  I am so use to people blowing off their bills with me that a patient that makes an attempt to pay their bill is like mind boggling.

Father's Day

First I would like to thank everyone for their comments and emails wishing me a Happy Father's Day.  I talked to my son Eric this morning and that was fun.  Legally I do have him today, but since I have him for 1-2 weeks in 2 more weeks I wait since I couldn't afford to do both.  Some sadness today, but since I am not talking to many fathers today I don't see what I am missing. 

So anyway I enjoyed my day.  After the gym I went down to the yearly Boardwalk Art Show at the beach.  It is always fun to walk and see all the stuff and then sit on the beach.  No sunscreen so I am red tonight.  Next time I'll leave my personal stuff in the car so I can go into the water.  I can tell my self image has changed especially with working out.  Wore my shorts and sleeveless shirt on the beach today and it was fun.

Picked up Forest Gump on sale today as a present to myself.  I'll probably watch it later tonight.  Stopped by to see my Mom and she was doing better today.  More communicative which is good.

I stopped by Starbucks to relax and read.  There was an attractive woman there I was going to ask out, but then I realized when would I do it.  I'm working both jobs for the next 5 days then I am off to Florida next weekend.  Then my son comes and will be here for a week.  Then I remembered I was waiting till he went home to possibly get back into dating.  Have to admit hate when women are wearing sunglasses since you can never tell where they are looking.

Oye

Sometimes I really have to shake my head at being a guy.  For example walking down the street a woman walks past a guy and he says, "nice ass.  Can I wear it as a hat?"

<<<I can't believe>>> we share the same chromosome.

What's in a Name

Growing up with the last name Vanella was not fun.  Their are countless times I wish I had a different name growing up.  So it is surprising as an adult to deal with adults and have them say it is a cool name.  I always say Vanella like the ice cream.  People never forget it then.

Back and forth to the court house today.  Filed a civil claim against a patient that lied to me about there insurance info and followed it up with a bad check.  That was the easy part I have done that before.  The divorce filing has been something else.  I keep missing some piece of paperwork.  Almost feel like paying an attorney to do it, but it is only time for me and I still have some free time.

Well finally money is coming in from my new billing since my seminar last month.  It's a lot more than I use to get.  So I treated myself to a massage today.  Boy am I wiped now.  It will be a hard night at valet since it will be slow.

Slow Night

Wow it is weird to have a slow night of doing just about nothing.  Well actually laundry, but the same thing.  The office was slow today so I was out and about today.  I took my Mom to her appointment and also got her phone and cable installed.  I'll see if it is even worth it after a month.  She's really is never in the room.  The keep her busy with exercise classes, bingo, church, etc.  It's funny how everyone in the place knows her already.  She's happy and that is the main thing.

So I went and saw the movie Cars today.  Always feel a little weird when I do it since I am the only adult with no kids in the theater, but I love the stuff and it was a really good movie. 

I think the movie of the night will be Magnum Force to relax with.

Oh yeah make sure your kids don't take a mouthful of diet coke and Mentos at the same time.  I didn't get to hear on the radio if that did anything like blow their head off. 

Science Experiment

Items needed:

Bottle of diet coke 2 liter

Pack of Mentos mints

Directions

1)  Open bottle

2)  Open pack of Mentos

3)  Dump at least 2 Mentos into coke (best to have a tube or something to dump in)

4)  RUN FAST!!!!!!

The coke will shoot about 20 feet in the air.  Very cool.

Tuesday Night

Whew!  What a day.  I'll be happy when my Mom is settled in with everything.  All was well until her new doctor didn't know we were going to be there.  So it made me late for the rest of the day.  When I am rushing I am stressed and forgetful.  So it was a draining afternoon.  I was very happy with my choice of doctor's offices.  They were very friendly and helpful. Also very happy that my Mom likes where she is and she is being taken care of very well.  She couldn't remember how she got back to her room last night, but she did and was bathed this morning.  So I was happy.

Having a hard time getting into the full push back into my office.  I know what it is.  It is easier to help and focus on someone else.  I get a lot of affirmation for my helping and I feel good, but it is a pale shade of how I could feel with the achievements of the harder work of my stuff.  So I am trying to let go, but it is hard.  I think I may look for a parent care givers group.  Just to talk to others going through the same.  It hit me when the doctor was asking me what was my Mom's support in the area and I was like it is just me. 

Monday

Ahh back to my old life.  I was going to stay at the hotel for the next 2 days since it is paid for, but it is just too noisy for me. 

Well my Mom is all moved in and she likes her place, but I have to admit is was like dropping my son off for his first day of school.  Actually this was worse since I knew my son could take care of himself and he just ran off into the school without saying goodbye he was so excited.  I finished putting her room together and I will get the rest of her stuff in 2 weeks. 

It just feels so comforting to be back in my routine.  Through all this I have found out that most children don't help their parents.  I got a lot of affirmation for helping her and a lot of people saying they knew people that were on their own.

In the Valley

Well the majority of the stress is over and I am in the valley now after climbing the high mountain.  It's always a dangerous area for me.  I feel the stress let off and I think everything is fine and dandy.  So hey lets start dating.  The insane thing is everything I reasoned on waiting is still there I just don't see it since I feel so great.  Well feelings aren't facts they are just feelings.  Everything is the same as it was a few days ago.  Actually with everything going on the office was slow this week.  So I have to jump start it this week to get it back up. 

With the stress down I enjoyed the day better with my Mom.  She accompanied me on all the errands I needed to do for her and then we went down to the bay to look at the water for a while.  She was better verbally responsive today, but as the day went on she became more forgetful.  When we got back after having dinner out I found her memory pill in the bed.  When the home health aid gave it to last night it must have fell out of her mouth.  I am so grateful to have all my fatherhood experience since it helps so much in taking care of her.

I take it most guys don't have manners?  I am a pretty chivalrous guy and I have noticed over the last few days my politeness really turns heads.

Down Hill From Here, I Hope

Well my seminar is finally over.  It was pretty boring and not structured very well.  The great thing was that it was close and cheap.  I also ran into a old friend from college there.  We got to catch up and she will stop by my office tomorrow for treatment before heading back home to the western part of the state.  I like her and I did in college, but 3 hours away is just too far for me and I know neither of us is moving.

My Mom is still wiped from the busy days so I am letting her sleep, but we do need to go out to get a few things for her place.  Also maybe take her sight seeing. 

Handling everything well just very tired from the stress and lack of sleep.  Also I could be eating better.  So that will be my goals over the next few days.  Although I know it will bounce back into place once I am back in my normal routine.

Friday

Well today was another rush around day.  My Mom was exhausted from all the running around and still from yesterday.  I think I will need therapy after having to clean my Mom up when she didn't make it to the bathroom.  Happy to have the home health aide here over the next 2 days to help out.

The evaluation process went well and she will move in Monday.  It's weird if you engage my Mom she will respond very well.  However if you don't I think she would just sit there till she died.  I have no idea why she didn't get a walker from the rehab place.  Talking to my Mom she used one in therapy, but not in day to day.  So we requested one from the doctor.  What happened someone just walked into the place and donated a brand new one and we got it.  So now my Mom can move around on her own if she wants which is good.

This new extra job that has been added to me is a lot.  I can't do what I did today again.  I called my brother to call for the walker.  He told me to do it and in my rush I just did.  With tow jobs and now my Mom that can't happen again it is just too much.  I actually went out and bought a PDA.  I'm pretty good with my stuff, but with all my Mom's stuff added in it is too overwhelming.  Happy to say that I admitted it to myself instead of torturing myself by trying to do it all. 

It was nice to get out to work tonight so I had some down time.  However with the day just packed it is hard just to stop.  It's a busy weekend with the 2 day seminar and a late night working tomorrow.  I got help with the home aides and I scheduled and extra 2 hours in the morning to chill or go to the gym to relax.

I do have to say a world of thanks to all the people that helped yesterday with my Mom.  Many people went out of their way to help.  Even another handicapped person.  It was a good feeling to see so many caring people in the world.

What a Day

What a day that started at 3:30 am this morning.  Well I am back in Virginia with my Mom and everything went well.  Glad we ended up doing it this way since it took a lot out of her.  When we arrived at the airport in Virginia she was like "I don't want to go."  I told her she had to and it all went smoothly after that.  I can't believe they didn't;t get a walker for her down at rehab.  If she holds onto something she can walk fine, but out in the open with nothing to hold on to forget about it.  Well the fun is just beginning.

Airplane Comments

When I boarded my first plane today and I looked through the window into the cockpit and saw the pilot looking in a text book and writing things down I thought that wasn't a good sign.  However I am still here so I guess he got what he needed.

I was boarded and watched the flight attendant do her little safety show.  I think she gave up a long time ago that anyone was paying attention.  I've seen better hand gestures from a person having a seizure.

Boy were the pushing the upgrades to first class.  I mean how much soda could I drink in a hour and half flight that would equal $35.  Leaving first out of the plane really doesn't do it for me.  More leg room not really.  Let me lay down across 2 seats and we got a deal. 

On the topic of leg room I realized why they put your stuff in front of you.  You won;t put your feet on your stuff, but what the hey if it someone else's.

Yes I had way TOO much time on my hands today.

Wednesday

Low level stress still is with me.  There is a lot that needs to be done over the next few days.  I have planned my usual life, both jobs, a weekend seminar, and my Mom.  It will be fun.  Yeah right.  There is a lot of stuff, but I have done all I can.  Lot of stuff will be out of my control which I never like.  The rest will probably be that my Mom will be here now.  No more buffer zone.  I'll need to interact with her a few times a week.  Part of me is looking forward the other is not.  I didn't like the comment from the assisted living place seeing me run over in between patients to take care of stuff and saying get use to it.  My life is packed as it is I don't want more stuff. 

Little sad I couldn't get a double extended room, but the short notice and needing a first floor room made it hard.  I'll sleep in my sleeping bag the days my Mom is here, but I can use the place the rest of the time.  I had to pay for a week so I will get my money's worth.  It is really nice to have a real freezer.  Mine is so tiny it is hard to get a lot of things in to it since it won't stay.

The Letter

I don't know why I am printing this here, but my gut says to so I am.  I guess it is a different way of dealing with my ex so sharing it bleeds off some of the energy.

Dear Laura,

 

You missed my point entirely.  I know you do not want to deal with me, but we have a son together and as long as he is alive that will be the way it is.  Avoiding me on all these points just waste time. 

 

Eric is a child and it is not his responsibility to inform me of his upbringing.  This has nothing to do with his being baptized.  If he wants to I am happy for him.  My point is that if this kind of stuff is brought up to one of us and most of this stuff will be brought up to you first since you have physical custody.  Just as if we were together we would have told him we would talk about it between us before we gave him a decision.  This is something we have always agreed on even when we were together and agreed to it in court.  Whether together or separated we need to be a united front in Eric’s upbringing.  I feel in your avoidance to interact with me you are passing it onto Eric.  This is what I find inappropriate.

 

Mike

Tuesday Night

Boy I can't wait till I don't have to work a second job.  I didn't have to work tonight and like the last 2 nights I have headed over to Starbucks to relax and read.  It's a nice thing. 

My Mom was off tonight when I called her.  Our worry now is that she will not perform well when she is evaluated Friday.  Since a poor evaluation will mean more money each month for her.

Talking to one of my patients today and I never thought of the flip side of the coin.  Since the Navy is like the top employer around here almost everyone is military.  Most of the women I have met have been military wives.  No problem here since there is a slice of everything in that population.  Her complaint was that if you didn't want a military man there was slim pickings.  That being Bubba and Earl.  Just an interesting observation.

With my ex I am going to need to talk to her.  For the last 7 years yes that includes the last 5 years of marriage.  My ex has been very angry that if we ever separated that we would still have to have contact because of our son.  This whole broken communication thing is her way of trying to get around it.  If it didn't affect our son I could give a shit what she did.  However if she needs to go through him to communicate things that's not good.  He is a child and does not need the responsibility of an adult nor responsibility that is not even his.

What a Crazy Week

Well I got most everything set for my Mom.  I have a home health aide to be with her when I will be out Friday through Sunday.  Got a nice place for us to stay with a full kitchen so that she can be cooked for.  Moved in everything I had and put it up or together.  The place will sign for my Mom's bed tomorrow which is a relief.

I feel I have lost touch with the business this week.  Something I was scared of.  My patients are rescheduling like mad this week also which is not helping.  At least it is down hill from here with everything.

Funny thing amongst all this craziness I run into a woman this morning at the store that I like and I think she liked me.  However of all the times to meet someone this week is not it. The good thing is that I have grasped that she will not be the LAST woman that I meet.

On another note my ex has told me she wants no in person or voice contact with me ever.  LOL.  I really don't want to drop down to written communication, but I guess I will. 

Monday Night

Well tired after a stressed day.  Finalizing everything for the whole Mom episode at the end of the week.  So far looks as good as it's going to get.  I will call the home health aide place tomorrow to schedule someone to be with my Mom. 

Old defects are rearing the ugly heads.  I was actually scared to ask my brother tonight for money to repay what I have already spent on our Mom.  It's her money and he already told me to tell him the amount.  That old tape of having to prove myself was playing, but I asked and it all went well.

I treated myself to some down time at Starbucks tonight before my meeting.  Just to read, play Soduko, and RELAX.  Something came up there.  When I walked in a woman that was sitting outside was looking at me so I smiled in her direction.  Went inside, got my drink, and sat down in a comfy chair to relax.  Last thing I wanted today was courtship rituals.  Anyway after I sit down she changes her chair so her back is to me.  Whatever.  At some point in the future she packs her stuff up, walks in, looks through the newspaper rack for something then sits in the chair next to me, gets comfy and turns her back to me.  The place is completely empty.  I have never got this back to a guy you like.  I see it a lot and I still don't get it.  Anyway after a while she just left.

"I would never be part of a club that would have me as a member." ~ Groucho Marx

One thing I have realized that has changed since I have separated is that I am no longer attracted to women that are attracted to me.  When I first separated it was like a huge thing if someone was attracted to me.  It automatically made me attracted to them.  Gratefully now that has changed.  I didn't want to be that way. 

 

The Best Laid Plans ...

Well I will leave early Thursday morning to pick up my Mom.  My Aunt & Uncle are uncomfortable picking her up so I will rent a car and pick her up.  Then come back in the afternoon.

I misunderstood the assisted living place.  She can not be evaluated and move in on the same day.  So she will be evaluated Friday and move in Monday.  Not too bad except that I have a seminar this whole weekend and need to work Saturday morning and evening.  So either my brother needs to come down and be with her while I'm out or I will need to get a home health aide. 

I put together her furniture today and brought over some pictures I had in storage to liven the place up.  Oh that's right I need to get her phone and cable connected.  Oye.  Boy this all got dumped in my lap didn't it.

I'm late...I'm late...I'm late

Well I don't think I have ever been more happy to have a patient reschedule as I am today.  Finally got the word to pick up my Mom.  So I am scrambling to order tickets, car reservations, make sure the place has all the papers finished, and the new place is ready to go.  So I am wound up.  As an old friend would say Mike you are going at warp 9 cause I am flying.  Trying to slow myself down since there is no reason to work myself up.  Also when I am going that fast I make more mistakes than anything. 

Thanks Becca for reminding me about the Monday Funnies.

Male Society

Surprising my son called me today.  Usually my ex has him stay to the 3 calls a week.  Even though he can call anytime.  Anyway after today's soccer game 2 separate boys called him names.  So he was angry and upset about the incident.  I was happy that he called to tell me about it and that he didn't think the names the boys called were true.  Ah the initiation into male society.  How far can a fight be?  I shared my history of being named called.  I use to hate it so much especially for having the last name "Vanella".  Surprisingly my Dad helped me with this issue.  He wasn't trying to, but I say him joking about the last name with people.  I guess seeing him not care made me not care so much about it. 

Sunday Thoughts

"If you get into a knife fight be prepared to get cut."

Over the last week I have talked to several people on fears of getting back into relationships after really bad ones.  My friends are usually surprised that I would want to get married again.  They knew how bad my marriage was and how I suffered. 

I know what a relationship can do.  A great person can help heal you of your childhood wounds as no one else can.  I remember a women (B) I dated last year.  I'm not quite sure if you read my other journal about how I was made to vomit as a child.  Anyway it has left me never eating everything on my plate.  B would make sure I always had a little extra to leave behind.  Such a simple gesture, but it was world altering for me.  However on the other side of the coin that person has the ability to rip those same wounds wider open and make a few new ones.  It's all a risk, but I think the benefits out way the risk.

Friday Night

Well it was a good night at valet.  These people need to teach others how to tip.  Please come back anytime.  The funny thing was it was like a Stepford wives party.  All the women were very attractive and dressed very nice.  The guys were just okay.  It was almost comical.

Using my money sorter again has helped a lot in the two days.  I have a bunch of bills already paid with some money for me to blow over the weekend. 

Still no word from my brother if we have the green light on our Mom.  Really a pain in the ass since I have a lot to take care of to make it happen next week.

It's a Crazy World

Well my Mom being discharged from the rehab has been moved up till next Friday.  I can't get down there any sooner.  So what I am suggesting since my Mom can't fly alone is to just fly down there and have my Aunt & Uncle bring her to the airport.  I'll get off grab her and fly back up.  Then later I'll go down and get her stuff and car.  Hopefully this will work. 

Having become a direct person I can't indirectness anymore.  It's like going through Alaska on your way to California from Virginia.  Just get to the FREAKING point. 

Oh well not much else to say.

Defect ~ Delayed Gratification

One thing with a non steady cash flow is that I go in and out of the this money starvation phases.  So when I get money I'm like what can I blow it on.  I want instant gratification.  So that is what I have dealt with all today. I went out and bought lunch instead of making it to treat myself.  However the money has to last for many things as well as to be able to do things over the weekend.  It's pretty interesting I just found my money organizer the other day.  It's just a coupon holder with my monthly bills for each of the pockets.  However it lets me keep track of what I need and what I can spend.  So I made it through today without buying my book.  Hopefully tomorrow will be easier.

Tired Thursday

Beat today.  Losing about a n hour a sleep a night.  So it is starting to get to me.  I know it's the stress of all my Mom's stuff.  Although I was able to start buying stuff for her today so I am feeling like things are starting to move along.

I had to keep my boundaries with my brother. He informed me that my Mom can be discharged next Friday.  I can't make it down there for another 9 days.  He started to object so I countered with if she could fly I would see if my Aunt & Uncle can put her on a plana and I would pick her up here.  Then I would still go down as planned to take care of whatever business needs to be done.  Having looked at all my stats for the last 2 years helped last night.  My business did really well the first year.  Didn't charge much and having someone else bill for me sucked.  The next year was bad due to the divorce and me focusing on my landladies business problems instead of my own.  Again focusing on my own business I am back to where I was before all this started.  I've worked too hard to get back here to just drop it for anyone else. 

Painful to leave a message for my ex last night, but I needed to take care of business and our son.  So we will see if she is able to produce the letters that stated Eric shouldn't fly.  I see that I will need to start making a greivance list again and take her back to court if this doesn't change.

Lastly my son said he wanted a baseball glove and I was happy to score one today at the thrift store.  So we can practice when he is down here.