What If Santa Really Answered His Letters?

A friend e-mailed it to me and I fowarded to a lot of people, but it was so damn funny I had to put it here.

Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy
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Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I
send you a f***ing book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace
And joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
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Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy And daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
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Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane.
Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his a** constantly? It's time to give up that dream.  Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum
kit, a pony and a tuba.
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Love,
Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays?  I bet you're gay.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for
Your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan
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Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when
Riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of
scotch.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
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Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend
Most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself Silly and squeezing the a**es of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, Like in the song?
Love,
Jessica
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Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible?  Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping
your house.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
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Timmy, That whiney begging sh** may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
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Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky
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Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your a**
whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a
low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the
burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa

What Exactely Does it Mean to be a Man?

It's a funny thing.  Men are half the population, but it's a question that is never asked out loud.  So as boys grow to men where is this definition of who they should be coming from.  For me and I think for a lot of guys its from that box in the corner of the living room.  Or models so outdated that if it were any other circumstance it would be ridiculous.  It's so hard to get good polish for my knight's armor and that raping and pillaging thing was never me.  However you ladies seem to like your knights.  Maybe cool and suave like James Bond.  Gadgets, using women just for sex, and I would get a license to kill people.  Not to shabby.  Or we could always drop back to the strong silent type.  Always cool.  A stoic SOB that never lets you in or says what he feels.  "Hey I think I feel something.  I think it's a emotion.  Did you every feel an emotion?"  On the other end of the spectrum we have the sensitive one who is depicted in all the sitcoms.  You know him he is the fumbling baboon of manhood riddled with inadequacies.  You know him.  He's never the star just the comic relief.  Oh yes I want to be him. 

So how is a man suppose to be strong without violence and anger?  Sensitive and compassionate without looking like and idiot?  Generous without giving himself away.  I have no idea.  I am still fumbling around myself and when I look at my son what do I tell him.  That yes I want him to stay the emotionally expressive boy he is just be ready for a whole lot of ass whooping and name calling for being different.  A guy's life still undefined and not changing anytime soon.

Kinky Part II

  Well I got a lot of comments on this one both on and off the journal.  Looking at some of my other daily journal readings and what was written there I realized what I had to say was nothing.  However if the AOL spincter police grab me can someone please bail me out.  Thanks.  DISCLAIMER:  Also if you are under 18 you shouldn't be reading this, but make sure to get your parents to.   KINKY B&D, S&M, Latex, paddles, whips, threesomes, cross dressing, beastiality   NOT KINKY Oral, anal, dirty talk, sex at work, spanking, toys, food (still don't like that one), role playing   Still surprised how many items from one list make it to the other as different people share.

My Favorite

Well since my joke yesterday I have heard some great ones.  So I figured I would share my favorite joke.

A native American father and his son are sitting and relaxing.  The son looks at his dad and ask "Dad how did my brothers and sisters get our names?"

The father looks down at his son and says, "well when your brother was born I looked up and I saw three birds flying so I named him Three Birds Flying.  When your sister was born I looked outside of the tepee and I saw snow falling gently to the ground. So I named her Snow Falling Gently to the Ground.  But why do you ask me these things Two Dogs F*cking?"

My Gold Watch Please

 

Talking to a friend last night who was having a lot of problems in his life.  We parted with him saying things have to get better.  I responded by saying, "they have to."  When I started getting my act together years ago I figured do some work on myself then I'll have no more crap in my life.  BAH AHA HA HA AHA!  Boy was I wrong.  I think I have more crap in my life no then I did then.  The thing that is different is me and how I deal with my crap.  Still wish I didn't have to deal, but that is not going to happen.  Even though I may still hope at times.  With that I have come to embrace that I am not the sum of my problems, but the sum of how I deal with my problems.

Hey Pictures

(Rubbing hand grinning evily) Hey I finally figured out how to put pictures in here.  Oh boy the fun can begin.  Well I was surfing the web while taking a break from paperwork and I found these.  Enjoy.   Not that I am pushing the place (not their is anything wrong with that) you can find more funny stuff at www.prankplace.com

A Joke Remembered

Talking to a friend and I remembered this old joke.  So what the hey. The more the merrier.

Man and woman married for 20 years.  They have always had sex with the lights off.  The wife is getting feed up with it.  So she decides to do something about it.  The next time they are about to have sex she turns the lights on.  She sees the husband standing there with a cucumber.  She says "do you want to explain that?"  He answers, "only if you'll explain our 4 children." ;)