I Am a Guy

              I Am a Guy           

Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.

Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart - despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger - how the heck could HE know where we're going?

Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?

Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What's the connection?

Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.

Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the new millenium, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning and the dishes. I'll do the rest.

 

 

Cleaning Up the Crap

Today was cleaning up the crap day at the office.  Changing decorations around the office is always fun and I did my usual move pictures around like I do every month.  The biggest cleaning up was my billing practices.  It has cost me a lot of time and some money this year having things unorganized.  So today I updated all the fee schedules, rules, etc. into a binder for easy use so that I can learn from past mistakes.  Also I signed up for many of the onlne services so that I can easily check on things instead of waiting on the phone for endless amounts of time.  The other clean up has been my email box.  I usually just delete all the crap that makes it past my security/spam stuff.  However this week I have taken the time and energy to email them all and have my name removed.  By golly I only have 1 or 2 today.  Soon an email box of just quality emails and no spam.  Wow wouldn't that be great.

Just a fast add on.  A major score at the thirft shop today.  The first five books of Captain Underpants for under $2.  Woohoo!  My day is made.

Grieving Part 2

"Every person you have loved has changed you.  What you have become because of loving them is how they will be with you always.  A relationship may come to an end.  But love is eternal.  You will never lose anyone whom you have truly loved."

A few weeks back I shared about grieving an abusive relationship.  Reading this morning in one of my daily readers helped put it in better light.  I know the person I am today is here only because of that relationship and for that part I am eternally grateful.  A friend stopped by who I only see maybe twice a year.  We talk for a few hours, laugh our asses off, I treat them and we go our separate ways again.  She pointed out that I keep looking better each time she sees me since I separated from my ex.  I feel it, but it is nice to have it noticed.

Mark Your Calenders

Mark you calendars ladies and gentlemen so that you don't miss Montana's annual Testical Festival.  Only $10 to get in to eat some bull's balls.  I don't think I have seen a Hallmark card to mark the occasion yet.  No offense to anyone from Montana, but I guess when you don't have anything you have to make stuff up for people to come to visit.  But jeez couldn't they have made something more attractive.

Way Too Much Information

Well I finally was able to due this tag.  It was a rough one and a brain work out. Well here it is.

Assertive

Business man

Comical

Dad

Energetic

Funny

Go getter

Healthy

Intelligent

Joker

Kisser

Lively

Motivated

Noble

Open

Practical

Quipster

Romantic

Sexual

Tenacious

Unrestrained

Visual

Well mannered

Xperienced

Youthful

Zest for life

There you are me in alphabetical order.  Anyone who would like to do it.  Go right ahead.  It was a tough so I won't put anyone on the spot.

 

More Weird Sex News

First there was anal bleaching, then hymenplasty (revirginiation), and now {dramatic music please} SenSlip pseudo-foreskin.  Yes for all you guys out there that didn't get a say in being circumsized you can have a psuedo one put on.  Why?  My friends and I don't stand around talking about how our lives were destroyed by this fact.  Are there just too many plastic surgeons out there and they are inventing work for themselves.  I shudder to think what the next thing would be.  Wait here it is nipple enlargement and reduction.  What the hell! Big with men since it is for them. Oh yeah I stand hours in front of the mirror wonderinig what the hell to do with my nipples.  For the love of Christ!  What is the world coming too.

A New Way

Was reading the paper this morning and I was reading an article about Scott Haltzman a psychiatrist.  He deals with marriages and says that traditional marriage counseling doesn't work for men. He stated that trying to get men in touch with their feelings like a women wouldn't work since men are wired differently from the neck up.  The basis of his belief was for men to use what makes them successful in the world and use it in the marriage.  Like a job description a man needs to know what his job is.  I can relate to this.  I came into my marriage with a different view of how things should be and until everything was laid down there were problems.  A concrete honey-do list just like at a job can do wonders.  At work men are the masters of relationship building.  Take this skill back into the marriage.  I have had women look at me strange when they have found my list of what they like and don't like.  I think they took offense that I needed a list for this and that something in me just wouldn't make it happen.  My response was do you like how I treat you and do for you?  They would usually answer yes and I would say now you know why. 

Feelings drive women, but for men feelings only go so far.  Usually to the extent of I'm hungry, I want sex, and I need to take a sh*t.  Hey were simple creatures. 

I'm Pissed

Well I got the court letter from my patient that owes me money.  I see that he used his time instead of seeing if he could pay me to trying to find away not to pay me.  So we have a court date in 2 weeks.  I'll see if he shows up.  The guy is putting so much energy into not paying me that if he put half it into paying me their would be no problem.  So back into the waiting game.  I guess I am so pissed since after 14 months I was so close to getting some money and now back to waiting.  GGGRRRRRRR!!!!!

 

Becoming Yourself

"What have you already accomplished?  Where are you headed?  What are you still waiting for?  Look at your path with compassion for the process of becoming yourself is a lifelong enterprise."  ~ Kingma

I enjoyed reading this statment this morning.  It reminded me that my journey is lifelong and that my impatience with myself is unjustified.  All things take time and that if I look back over time I have improved in all areas of my life except financially.  In that I have actually regressed over the last 2 years.  In my practice I sometimes go over a Wellness Wheel with my patients.  It shows them seven aspects of their overall health.  Physical, financial, family, social, career, spiritual, and mental health.  That the lowest will always bring down the others to that point.  It is all connected.  All points on my wheel are the highest they have been in my life except finances.  I let this fact bring me down and it is a real workout in the other areas to keep them up.  I am not saying money is the key to happiness, but when you focus on worrying if you can cover the basics of life it takes something from you.  This was a good reminder to remind myself that this is not going to change overnight, but will be a process over time.  No matter how I would want it to be.

COWS

COWS is a nuemonic I learned in school.  It means cold ~ opposite and warm ~ same.  It was to remember which way the room will spin when cold or warm air is pushed into your ear for a neurological test.  I had it done a few years ago when I had some vertigo problems. 

Well at 5:30 am this morning in a freak one in a million chance I was able to recreate the test by rolling over.  So there I am with the feeling that I am spinning at 100 mph half asleep.  I know many techniques to stop it and I was able to get it under control after a what felt like 5 minutes, but probably only a minute.  Yes I love being awake at 5:31 am pulse racing and feeling nauseous.  So I am rough around the edges this morning and for some awful reason our hallway smells of strong cleanser.  My head is pounding from the fumes.  So all in all it is a fun morning.

Things NOT to Say to A Naked Man

LOL. I need to find something better to do on my lunch break, but this is too much fun.

Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
9. It's ok, we'll work around it.
10. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
11. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
12. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
13. (giggle and point)
14. Can I be honest with you?
15. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
16. Let me go get my tweezers.
17. This explains your car.
18. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
19. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
20. Are you one of those pygmies?
21. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
22. I didn't know they came that small.
23. Why is God punishing you?
24. At least this won't take long.
25. I never saw one like that before.
26. What do you call this?
27. But it still works, right?
28. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
29. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
30. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
31. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
32. Did you date Lorett Bobbitt?
33. Are you cold?
34. What is that? 
35. Were you neutered?
36. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
37. Does it come with an air pump?
38. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
39. Where's the rest of it?

Crystal Clear Days of Insanity

A few people have asked why I do my other journal.  Digging up the past and going through periods of sadness.  I was taught that buried emotions are always buried alive still kicking and trashing.  For a person who has swallowed a lot of his emotions throughout his life I have a mad pack of zombies running around in my head.  Imagine something out of a Dawn of the Dead movie.  LOL. These memories, experiences, and events have shaped my life are deep inside of me quietly directing my behavior.  I have become a more responsible person as I continue to grow and I have no wish to further hurt myself or the ones I love with my unconscious behaviors.  Since I am accountable for committing unconscious crimes.

I Hate This

The reason for this is that I am angry.  I am owed a lot of money by a patient and I have been through the whole legal process to get my money.  Well at the last moment this guy contacted me and wanted to make some kind of payments instead of losing his stuff.  So I told him what I would accept and he is blowing me off again.  I HATE this.  I wish people would just do their part so I wouldn't have to do this hard stuff and take care of myself.  It's a life long defect.  It's my expectations of other people which is never a good thing.  Also it is my want of a softer, gentler way and with life's sense of humor that never happens.  I know it is a lesson to be learned and I should be grateful for the ability to grow, but I am not.  That's right I want to be a 3 year old and sulk about this.  Meanwhile I have done what needs to be done to take care of myself and the situation. 

Deep Thoughts

Well I'm bored during my lunch so here are some deep thoughts to contemplate.

Deep Thoughts

If I played a blank tape at full blast. Would the mime next door go nuts?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? 

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, 'The whole time.' 

So what's the speed of dark? 

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water? 

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food? 

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in? 

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics? 

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? 

Isn't Disney World a people-trap operated by a mouse? 

How come 'abbreviated' is such a long word? 

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? 

Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead? 

Why are they called buildings when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts? 

Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together? 

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it? 

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? 

Do fish get cramps after eating? 

Why are there five syllables in the word 'monosyllabic'? 

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? 

Why is it that when a door is open, it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door? 

Why is it fake lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons? 

Why do we wash bath towels?  Aren't we clean when we use them.

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase? 

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? 

Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs its '4s'? 

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious? 

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent? 

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate? 

Do married people live longer than single people do, or does it just SEEM longer? 

I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose. 

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? 

As some one once said, "a mind is a terrible thing."

Not Now

In the words of Tony Soprano, "I thought my head was gonna explode."  This is the way I feel with dealing with my student loans or as I would like to look at them as my mortgage payments even though I don't own a house.  As always they are a stress for me and my head pounds when dealing with them.   So I will deal with them later.  In bite size pieces.  The irony of it is that my son will probably be finished with college (he'll be 7 next month) by the time I am finished with this.

Not Looking Foward to It

Been fretting with this for about a week now.  Next week I will tell my landlord I will be moving out at the end of February.  I don't mind the move.  I mind the pain that I am going to go through when I see his pain.  It usually is a household of women there so I know it is nice for him to have a guy there.  I enjoy our talks and I have learned a lot on recycling food.  Have to admit it had been best family home I have had in a long while.  So I will miss that.  However my codependancy is flaring with this upcoming talk.  Reality is that I know we can get together for dinner every once in a while like I do with friends.  I know it is that he is an older guy that doesn't know how to deal with his emotions and I am care taking.  My old nemesis.  So I am just letting it go since I know it is not my place to take care of him.  I know in my life it has always been pain that has made me move onto bigger and better things.  I have no right to prevent anyone else from doing so.

50 Things You Don't Know About Me

1. What is your middle name?  Joseph

2. What size is your bed?  twin

3. What are you listening to?  WFOX Classic Rock no trip hop, porn groove, or booty bass

5.  What was the last thing you ate?  pasta which I am eating now

6.  Last person you hugged?   Nancy my old office manager

7.  How is the weather right now?  Sunny and warm

8.  Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?   Terry the guy I work valet with.

9.  The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?  face.  I don't care what your body looks like.  If I don't think your face is attractive it's not going to work.

10.  Do you have a bf/gf?  no

12.  Do you drink?  no

13.  Ever get so drunk you don't remember the entire night?  Never been drunk

14.  Hair color?  jet black

15.  Eye color?  brown

16.  Fav baseball team?  don't follow

17.  Favorite animal?   Polar bear.  Hard to house train and often mauls visitors.

18.  Favorite season?  Spring

19.  Ever cried for no reason?  yeah right.  LOL

20.  Last movie you watched?  A Better Tomorrow

29.  What book are you reading?  Salvation

30.  Piercings? don't think so

31.  Favorite movie?  Wow that is really hard.  I'll say Pulp Fiction.

32.  Favorite college team?  don't follow

33.  What are you doing right now?  eating and doing this entry before work.

34.  Any pets?  no, but would like

35.  Dog or cat?  I would get a dog

36.  Favorite flower?  any that's colorful and fragrant

37.  Have you ever been caught doing something you weren't supposed to?  OMG yes!

38.  Have you ever loved someone?  yes

39.  Who would you like to see right now? my son Eric

 40.  Are you still friends with your ex's?  that would be a big NO!

41.  Have you ever fired a gun?  yes handgun

42.  Do you like to travel by plane?  yes

43.  Right or left handed?  right

44.  If you could be with someone right now, who would it be?  my son Eric.  What is this a trick question.

45.  How many pillows do you sleep with? 1 water pillow and it is great

46.  Are you missing someone? yes, my son Eric

47.  Do you have a tattoo?  No

48.  Do you watch cartoons on Saturday morning? There's a morning on Saturday?  Not anymore.  Don't care for what's on.

49.  Are you hiding something from someone?  no

50.  Do you play an instrument?  Not any more.  Use to play guitar and clarinet.

Respect The Opposite Sex

I know that I joke about many things about men, women, and relationships in general.  There all based on actual stuff that happens, but as many jokes can go too deep.  In that we sometimes have to remember to respect the opposite sex especially around our children.  Harmless jokes in a young mind may give mixed signals.  We may all show and display our emotions and feelings differently, but they are still there inside whether we are male or female.  A parent's death is just as painful and a beautiful sunset is just as touching.  Not quite sure where I am going with this, but as one of my meditations talked about this morning.  I don't want to short change myself in life with these little jokes.  Well that is enough seriousness especially since now I am hearing the Banana Splits Theme Song.  So here are some jokes.

Marriage Scarier Than Hell

A few minutes before the church services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The old man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Aren't you afraid of me? Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep, " was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope."

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

A Lifetime Of Sex

1.) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

2.) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

3.) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4.) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "F*ck you!"

5.) The fifth kind of sex is Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.


He Said, She Said

He said. . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . . Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said . . . Well, you succeeded!

He said . . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said . . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . . Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?

She said . . . I would but you're never there.

Grieving ???

For the past several weeks I have been for a lack of a better word grieving about my ex wife.  I don't want her back, I am not pining about how it could have been, etc.  I know the problems of our relationship and know they will never change.   It was a defective relationship.  So what am I grieving?  Or what would be a better name for theses fleeting feelings that come up every once and a while.  I am not remembering the good times so this is not sparking it.  Can it be that I miss the abuse and problems that were so common place over a 16 year period?  Pretty sick concept.  Don't have any answers today, but I know they will come at some point.  However this has been on my mind for a while and I have not shared it with anybody something I don't like to do.  I use to live a life of secrets and it nearly killed me.  Never again.  My life is an open book to my friends and as long as your okay with any answer that comes out of my mouth you can ask any question.

A Question to Everyone

Just a question for everyone.  Over the past few weeks I have gotten several entry alerts for different journals.  However I can never get to those entries and the journals never show that the entry existed.  This seems to be increasing in the last week.  Didn't know why and if anyone else was experiencing this problem?

 

This is What I am Talking About

Now this is guy obvious on showing a guy you like him.  Please take notes.

Guide to Driving Men Crazy

Since I see that my readership is all women.  Here is some information that may help you.  Then again it may only cause trouble.  LOL.

Guide to Driving Men Crazy

1. Do not say what you mean. Ever.

2. Be ambiguous. Always.

3. Cry. Cry often. Tell them it's their fault.

4. Bring things up that were said, done, or thought years, months, or decades ago...

5. Make them apologize for everything.

6. Stash feminine products in their backpacks and in their books as cute reminders that you were thinking of them.

7. Cry

8. Play Alanis Morissette's 'You Oughta Know,' loud. Look at them. Smile.

9. Look them in the eye and start laughing.

10. Cry.

11. Get mad at them for everything.

12. Discuss your period in front of them. Watch them squirm.

13. Hold grudges.

14. Demand to be e-mailed. Often. Whine when they don't comply..

15. When complimented, make sure to be paranoid. Take nothing at face value.

16. Use daddy as a weapon. Tell them about his gun collection, his quick trigger finger, and his affection for his 'little princess.'

17. Be late for everything. Yell if they're late.

18. Talk about your ex-boyfriend. Compare and contrast.

19. Go everywhere in groups, especially the bathroom. Do nothing alone. Independence is a sign of weakness.

20. Cry.

21. Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they're wrong.

22. Plan little relationship anniversaries, i.e. the monthly anniversary of the time you saw each other in the five minutes. Then get mad at them for forgetting. Then cry.

23. Gather many female friends and dance to 'I Will Survive' while they are present. Sing all the words. Sing to them. Sing loud.

24. Correct their grammar.

25. Constantly claim you're fat. Ask them. Then cry, regardless of their answer.

26. Leave out the good parts in stories. 

27. Make them wonder. Confusion is a good thing.

28. Declare that you are not wacko.

29. Criticize the way they dress.

30. Criticize the music they listen to.

31. Criticize their hair.

32. Ignore them. When asked, 'What's wrong?' tell them that if they don't know, you're not going to tell them.

33. Try to change them.

34. Try to mold them.

35. Try to get them to dance.

36. Pretend you're interested, lead them on, then feign ignorance when confronted

37. When they screw up, never let them forget it.

38. Make them stay at religious services until they are close to fainting.

39. Blame everything on PMS.

40. Blame everything on PMS only after it has been blamed on them.

41. Whenever there is silence ask them, 'What are you thinking?

42. Get mad if they don't notice a haircut. Even if it's only a half inch

43. Read into everything.

44. Cry.

45. Make it your goal to make them cry.

Now I know none of you women out there know anything about this stuff and this was the first time you even heard of it.  You would never subject the man in your life to this insane torture.  Yeah right.

Now I've Heard Everything

Okay I am reading all my daily junk looking for funny stuff and this comes across my desktop.  I read it and realized now I have heard everything.

 

Q: Is there a way to get a man to orgasm faster? My husband takes forever. Sometimes he doesn't climax at all because we both run out of energy. We're both nearing the big 4-0, and he's on medications I know contribute to the problem. But I feel bad when I've had several major orgasms and he hasn't had a one.

A: Women reading this have their jaws open, saying, “Wait! Not fast enough? Several major orgasms?!” and wishing they had your problem.  

 

Okay I never thought I would ever hear this problem.  LMAO!

 

 

Grateful

Well after I wrote my last entry and was reading the comments before bed last night I realized I had a lot to be grateful for being single.  I read the list over and over and while laughing I remembered I don't miss all the mind reading.  I'm a pretty straight forward kind of guy and looking for all the subtle gestures and comments is maddening.  Also as someone mentioned the eternal fight over the toilet seat.  I like the lid closed for the aesthetic look.  However if that doesn't work no complaints of what position it is in when you go to use it.  Hey now I'm happy I am single.  Woohoo!

Talking About Women

I was talking to a friend about making business contacts.  I told him it was like asking women out.  At first it was hard, but the more you did it the easier it got.  You only had a few seconds after you made the decision.  If you waited too long you would over thing it and ruin it.  This led to a conversation about women.  The topoic being women think they are being very obvious when trying to attract a man.  Usually we are totally clueless.  I remember when I asked a female friend about a interaction I had with a woman I wanted to ask out.  She gave me a laundry list of things the woman was saying.  I LMAO and was amazed.  Most of it was way under my radar.  I know I would like to have as close to 100% certainty before I go make a fool out of myself.  It reminds me of Woody Allen's movie "Play it Again Sam."  He's on a date with a woman that's telling him she's a nymphomaniac, she's slept with everyone and gives him a list.  Finally he makes his move and she throws him out calling him a pervert.  He walks away saying, "how did I misread those signs."  LOL.

 

So in my endeavor to better translate what women say and mean I have found a list and will share it with you.

 

Words Women Use

FINE
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. Itsignifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".

Pursuing a Hobby

When I think of a hobby I think of modeling, painting or some other recreational activity.  Boy I was surprised to find out the new hobby.  Prostitution and no longer are the men called "johns", but hobbyist.  Man what use of youfinisms.  Well I guess it a recreational activity.  Dinner, movie, and sex all for what $350 an hour.  Jeez I think I might have made the wrong career choice.  So I guess ladies you will need to ask a few more questions when the men in your life pick up a new hobby.

What the Hell?????

I was going to go for a hike today, but the rain beat me to it.  Since I got my jukebox fixed on my computer I am organizing my music and loading some more in.  However when trying to fill out all the information I came to the genre section.  Most of my music falls into a few selections, but there was so much to choose from. Hell there were so many I didn't have a clue to what it would even be.  Like porn groove (guess anything with a driving beat), trailer music, trip hop, fast fusion (what the ?), dark wave (sounds like some game power), and my favorite the booty bass.  LOL.  I must be getting old and will soon start complaining of the kids music next door being to loud and weird.  Wait I already do that.  Jeez I am already old.  When did that happen?  When did I lose the pulse of music.  I was a music directory in a radio station and a DJ.  Well it was 20 years ago so I guess that goes a long way to explaining things.  Well if anyone knows what the hell any of these are I would like to know.  Thanks.

Goop Melange of Thoughts

Well I have felt kind of dry with what to write the last few days.  This morning I think I have too much to say.  So sit, relax, and let me drain my brain.

1)  Woke up this morning and had thoughts like Jenny.  I was alone and thought how nice it would be to have someone with me.  So I applied if I think my neighbors grass looks greener I better water mine.  So I thought of all the things I am grateful for being single.  Hey I can focus on myself and don't have to share with anyone else.  Most of the things I thought were on the selfish side, but this is the time for it.  It's all about me.  Then when I decide to go back out there I'll be a more exciting person than I already am.

2)  A friend asked me about anger yesterday as he starts his spiritual growth.  For me anger was a bad thing. I saw my parents in it especially my Dad and I never wanted that.  So I either swallowed it all or short circuited the emotion before it went anyplace.  Now a days I can display it appropriately, but it is still an exercise to just let it happen.  However I found myself dreaming last night again a teenager and trying to verbalize my anger to my Mom's boyfriend.  There I was again like many of my lifelong dreams unable to act.  Although I was able to get a whisper out which is better than normal.  Well it shows me where the work still needs to be done.

3)  Jeez I forgot already.  Must be getting old.  Oh well it will have to wait for another entry. 

End of the Day Clean Up

Well I saw the new Underworld movie and it was great.  I could go see it again tonight. If you have plans to see it make sure you have seen the first one to know what is going on.  Just don't bring small children to see it like the idiots in front of me.  Not a good idea and you will be leaving early like they did. 

I had a few questions on the past cooker.  A Walmart find under $8.  Allows you to cook rice, pasta, and steam vegetables in the microwave.  Did the pasta today and it came out great.  Allows me to expand my cooking at work and save some money.

Well I left a message for my patient today that owed me the money with my offer.  He didn't call back.  His usual MO.  I will call him Monday morning informing him if I don't hear anything by 5pm that day the levy will go through the following morning.  I am tired of being jerked around by this guy.  Like my ex.  Give them an inch and they go for a yard.

Just relaxing tonight with my anal ways.  Like my friend will say, "Mike your anal, but in a good way."  It's one of those statements about me that I laugh about every time I think about it.  Didn't think I had so many CDs, but my case is completely filled and now in alphabetical order which does make me very happy.

Holding Pattern

I find myself waiting today. Waiting for return phone calls, mail to come, different days next week, etc.  So I am restless.  I am a man of action and sitting around and waiting is not me.  So I'm seeing if my microwave pasta maker will work.  After that I may pop out to see the new Underworld movie and then drop off some fliers.  Glad to say that my marketing is starting to kick in.

Hey the pasta thing worked.  Cool!

With a Little Help From My Friends

Well as I have found out over the years is that I don't know all the answers and that getting out of my head is a good thing.  Like a comedian once said, "the mind is a terrible thing."  I have talked over my situation with the patient that owes me money with many friends and each has given me something to help the process go much better than I could do by myself.  The things I have gleamed are:

1)  I'm not the bad guy he's the dead beat.

2)  I will try to get as much money up front as possible since that may be it.

3)  Since he wants a payment plan I will try to get him to have payments directly withdrawn from his account.

4)  The biggest thing.  I'm not alone in all of this if I don't want to be.

Thanks everyone.

Well What Do You Know

Got a call from my patient's wife today. She wants to work something out since they don't want their car taken.  14 months ago was the time for negotiations not when the sheriff is knocking on your door.  So I have been thinking of what to do.  I will offer a one time discount of 50% of the total amount to be paid by Monday.  It will be more than I would get from the car.  However I don't want to let them off because then the whole process would have to start again and I would be screwed again. 

Rubber Necking in My Mind

It's like that old Far Side Cartoon.  "Teacher can I leave?  My brain is full now."  My mind has been getting fuller everyday now.  Usually means I am not taking care of some things and I am getting backed up.  I've been selectively taking care of a few business items.  So in my head I can feel the pressure build and when that happens I have a hard time sleeping.  Last night was the worse so today I have been taking care of all the stuff that I have been holding off on. Like the bond issue and my student loans.  A thousand a month for the next thirty years just doesn't excite me to do anything about it.

So I am tackling everything one step at a time instead of a little bit all at once.  Because if I don't it will continue to smash my peace of mind.  Slowly wearing me down to bad places.  So as always I have a choice of pain or relief.  I choose relief.

He Scores Again!

I found a bike for my son at the thrift store for under $10.  It will be his first real bike.  I just need to put some training wheels on it for him.  He is getting too old to not know how to ride a bike.  I learned later on as a child since no one was around to teach me and I had to teach myself.  It was no fun having training wheels on my bike when everyone else didn't.  So I want better for him.  So I will polish it up and will give it to him next month for his birthday.  He can practice on his grandfather's long driveway when no one is around to take him out. 

That Clenching Feeling

I hate when I get that butt clenching feeling after opening a letter.  Yes it is a collection letter and the feeling is fear.  It is one of my last outstanding bills to pay back.  Well not including student loans.  I had already done my bankruptcy last year, but a few bills were unable to be taken care.  This is one of them.  I send them money when I have it, but it is not to their liking. 

So anyway it pushes me more to move into my office for a few months.  Actually I am looking forward to it.  I am use to living on my own and taking care of myself.  Living with a lot of rules kicks the rebel up in me.  So my only thing that I battle with the issue is my codependancy with my landlord and his sadness on my leaving.  Not a good reason for me to stay.  I know I need to take care of myself and I feel this is the way to do it.

News of the Weird

I love when I read the paper and a gem of article pops out an makes my jaw drop.  Here are two that did it.

1)  Business is booming for gynecologists with the advent of the hymenoplasty (surgical revirgination) for the low cost of $1800 to $5000.  Why the hell are men paying for this obvious good for one night condition?  Why the hell are women doing this to their bodies?  I mean I am not a big supporter of cosmetic surgery, but at least it's permanent.   Hey with this you'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll kiss three grand goodbye.  Hey if you have that much money and you have no idea what to do with it.  Just send it over here.

2)  In November Tu Jin Sheng a practitioner of Chinese Qigong (internal energy) pulled a rental truck several yards using only a piece of fabric tied to the base of his genitals.  Yes he practices the "Iron Crotch technique".  Hey I can't even make this stuff up.  The article says their are 60,000 practitioners worldwide.   You know all these guys are living in the mom's basement and have never kissed a girl cause if they did they wouldn't be doing this to their genitals.  The reason these guys say they do this is they believe strengthening their genitals increases their strength.  I have to agree I jumped over 3 inches from my chair when I read this article.

Volunteer Work

I volunteered at our local SPCA today to go to one of the local schools to read to them and show off and  animal.  I was nervous at first, but it was a whole lot of fun.  There were four sessions with kids from 1st through 5th.  They were all good as was my demonstration animal Jack.  Jack is a dwarf rabbit and very cute.  He did very well with all the kids and he only made one hole in my pants while on my lap. 

It was a great experience.  I have been trying to do some community work when I have free time. It has been a nice way t o give back to  place I love to live.  Since I am a big animal lover the SPCA has been a good choice for me.  Some facts from our shelter so you know what happens to one by you.  We get about 6000 animals a year looking for homes and it takes about $3200/day to run the facility.    You would be surprised at what the facility needs besides the usual food and litter.  Newspapers, towels, and many recyclable items.  They usually have a list.  So if you would like to help any of the furry friends in your area just check with them.

Stress Relief

Having A Rough Day?

Just in case you've had a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. *

The funny thing is that it really works.

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world,".

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.

8. See, you're smiling already.

* This entry may contain certain contents and/or opinions that might be interpreted by those without a sense of humor, to be objectionable.  This is recommended for mature viewers ... meaning people who can take a joke.

He Scores!

One thing I have truly loved since coming to Virginia Beach is thrift stores.  There all over the place down here.  Some are good and some suck, but always a fun time.  It's like being a pirate and looking for treasure.  You never know what your going to find.  I found some real deals over the last year or so.  So today I scored big with a desk water fountain for under $2.  While it serves no other purpose other than I think it looks cool.  So I am happy and doing the happy dance.

(Closest picture I could find to the one I got)

Okay I am Nuts

So I had to make dinner for myself last night.  First time in 6 months.  It was weird, but a lot of fun.  Forgotten how much I like cooking and just taking care of myself in that area.  I have gotten a little complacent having my meals cooked for me.  Something I an NOT use to.  I mean I cooked through my whole marriage.  So it has been a nice vacation.  So that and looking around Walmart this morning on what items I can use to help cook in the office made me really look forward to it.  While I enjoy my down time I always feel alive when I have to make situations work.  I am not a lover of chaos, but complacency just doesn't do it for me.  Healthy or not?  I am not quite sure.  Guess I will see how it all balances out, but hey that is what life is all about.

Enlivenment Exercise Part III

Thanks to Lisa for the tag.

Inspirational Phrases You Will Never Hear At Work...

1. There is no "I" in "teamwork." But there is in "management kiss-up."

2. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.

3. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

4. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security.

5. If you think we're a bad company, you should see the competition.

6. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who oppose them.

7. 2 days without a human rights violation.

8. Your job is STILL better than asking, "You want fries with that?"

9. If at first you don't succeed, try management.

10. Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.

11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.

12. Pride, Commitment, Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work for free.

13. If at first you don't succeed, delegate it.

14. Plagiarism saves time.

15. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What the F*ck?!

"Treat them [children] as though they were young adults .... Never hug and kiss them.  Never let them sit in your lap.  If you must, kiss them once on the forehead when they say good night.  Shake hands with them in the morning.  Give them a pat on the head if they made an extraordinarily good job of a difficult task.  Try it out.  In a week's time you will find out how easy it is to be perfectly objective with your child and at the same time kindly.  You will be utterly ashamed of the mawkish, sentimental you have been handling it ... Won't you then remember when you are tempted to pet your child that mother love is a dangerous instrument?"  ~ John B. Watson, P.H.D. Psychological Care of Infant and Child 1928

Wow!  Maybe this is why our parents where so screwed up if this what was being taught way back when.  Then again they could just be nuts! 

Relationships

Marina did a tarot reading on me the other night.  She's quite good at it.  Not saying whether I am a believer or not with it.  However the first card she drew for me has been the source of much meditation the last few days.  Pretty much it said that I want to remarry and am happier in relationships than I am single.  Their is a strong truth in there.  However that is my problem.  My motivation is still one of "take from the other to fill what is lacking in me."  It takes the focus off of me and on to something else.  While I have made huge improvements on myself it still is dangerous ground for me.  I know it not a great place to be starting from.  Seven to eight months ago when I started dating again I did so because I felt myself stagnating and needing an outside source to help me reach a better place.  Now I am not quite so sure anymore.  I have learned a lot in these months, but I think another break is needed for some reflection.  Well the one thing I do know is that I don't have to make my mind up today.

Memories

I finished watching my Couples series DVDs tonight.  A series that made me LMAO so much brought me to tears with it's finally 3 minutes.  In the 16 years I knew my ex we had a lot of bad times.  However for all our problems we had one solid good thing.  Our son. That was what the last 3 minutes of the show was all about.  The birth of their son which had some similarities to ours.

You can always tell when something is wrong just by the difference in tone.  I knew something was wrong when my wife called me in the middle of the night from the bathroom.  Her water had broke 5 weeks early of her due date.  As always in the face of stress I am cool and calm.  We made it to the hospital with no difficulties.  There upon examination our son was found to be breached.  Glad we went to all the breathing classes. So a cesarean was scheduled for early the next morning.  I was so glad that we had the man hating nurse on the maternity floor. 

The surgery went well.  I comforted my wife the best I could.  My wife asked if I wanted to take a look behind the curtain.  I think like most men I was okay where I was.  When our son was born he was a little dusky and was raced to ICU with a momentary look for us to see.  He was okay just needed to be observed. 

However there is something that happens when you first look in your child's eyes and see those completely blank slates.  I knew I would never be the same person again.

Me & Eric

Ch...Ch...Changes

Well it is half way through the month.  I had given the office to the end of this month to see how it was doing.  If I can't get it to a certain point I will move out of my place and into my office to save money.  Not fully looking forward to the prospect. I like my place and I have gotten use to real creature comforts, but I hate pulling a miracle out of my ass each month to make ends meet.  So I believe I am out of miracles and a choice needs to be made to take better care of myself.  I was going to do this years ago when I separated from my ex, but that never happened due to circumstances.  Well 15 more days to find out.

Not Trusting the Process Part II

Linda had asked me to explain myself better on this entry from a few days ago.  I guess when this topic comes up I think of something I call the abused syndrome.  No matter how bad a situation may be I am used to it.  In a way I am "comfortable" with it.  I know everything that will happen. There are no surprises.  Something new means change and that can be scary.  Even though it can be a good thing it means I must let go of those old things that I am so comfortable with and that can be scary.  A few months ago I went through this.  My Mom decided to give me a car to replace my old Toyota which was 17 years old.  I was nervous.  I knew my car.  I had it for 11 years.  I knew ever inch of it and every problem of it.  It was dying.  Now I had the chance for a newer car and I was not looking forward to it.  Her was something entirely new.  What if it had problems.  I was out of my comfort zone and I didn't like it.  It took a lot of work and really until I had it I couldn't enjoy it. The reasons for that are another story.  Well here I am a few months later with a newer car that I love.  I am glad I have it, but it was hard letting go of the past.

The Question

A question I get from everyone who doesn't do these journals is "Why?".  I have always journalled off and on over the last 5 or so years.  It wasn't till I went out with a woman who did a private journal on here that I even heard of these.  I did like her reasoning.  I kept her accountable for doing it daily.  I know I have always benefited from doing a journal so figured what the hay.  So my journal allows me, like a pensive, to pull all the stuff ou of my mind for examination.   On those days when I'm changing the hamster litter in my head I can put some filler in like jokes.  Just like the carto they use to play before the movies.  However the biggest unexpected thing I have received is acceptance.  All that I am is accepted.  What a joyous gift to receive from strangers.  Something my loved ones in the past were unable to do.  So I want to thank all of you who have stopped, visited, and become part of my circle of friends, which as you know is closer than my family.

Not Trusting the Process

Well another lesson has been driven home.  I finally called around to get information on this bond issue.  The attorney was very nice and helpful (another oxymoron) and he stated that he never heard of a bonding company not issuing because no attorney was involved.  So he gave me a reference. 

So I still don't go running to heaven.  I continue to slowly back away from hell.  It is still hard to let go of some things no matter how painful.  I've been in pain this week with this and I could have gotten out of it faster with some action.  Something I know, but again it was easier to stay with the pain I knew than looking into something new which I had no clue about.  I wonder how long and how much pain I will put myself through to learn this lesson.

The Enemy in the Living Room

I use to joke that I was rais by the television set.  I use to be a walking TV guide when I was young.  Now that I am a parent it is not as funny anymore.  Never though I would be on this side of the fence.  It is easy to look at the shows and make sense of it all, but to a young child it is reality.  I remember my son and I use to talk about the shows.  He would ask how a character could do something.  I would say something like you know he isn't real it is just a cartoon.  He would answer yes, but how does he do that?  I would laugh and shake my head.  So I us to monitor what he watched and how long he watched.  It is true kids metabolism decreases the more the watch TV.  Seen it and heard it enough on our phone calls.  The brain dead zone.  All you get out of them is uh huh, ... uh huh, ... .  Why I am writing this I don't know.  I don't have that control over my son's life anymore, but I am surprised by seeing the TV as a problem now.  It was my best friend growing up and most of my life.  Guess my views have changed with me watching less of it.

Inner Voices

"Trust your heart ... Never deny it a hearing.  It is the kind of house oracle that often foretells the most important." ~ Baltasar Gracian

Over the years I have learned to pay attention to my inner voice, gut, or whatever you would like.  When I do I am very grateful to have listened.  It always know better that my rationalizing mind.  For most of my life I kept my insides very noisy so as to escape much of the pain of life.  However I have found I can never compartmentalize just one part of my life.  It always spreads and affects all aspects of my life.  In this area if I could not hear my inner voice.  I could not hear me.  How was I to take care of myself if I could not tell when I was tired, sick, or sad.  Pretty much didn't looking back.

Now a days I am usually quiet on the inside.  I can tell when I am sick, tired, or hungry.  I can still rationalize a lot away if I want, but at least it is a choice.  I have the correct information in front of me to decide on.  So when you have a problem get quiet on the inside and listen to what your inner voice says.  It most likely knows better than you.

Taking Things Too Personally

Well I have been working on collecting a large amount from a patient of mine for over a year now.  I've done all the legal work myself.  Filed, court appearances, etc.  Now with every last resource used I am at the stage of a levy on him.  Still don't totally like it, but I know I have given this guy more than enough chances to do something.  Anyway everything is a go except I need to get a bond for the sales to happen.  Talking to the bonding company and I was informed that they wouldn't bond me with out a lawyer.  I am already paying the sheriff's department 25% of the total collections.  Now I need to give a lawyer at this stage of the game money?  Give me a break!  I am pretty pissed.  I know I am taking this way to personal.  Feel like all my hard work has been for nothing.  However I know I only own my power with the leg work and I can't control the outcome.  (Grinning and bearing it.)  So I am trying to look for the lesson in all this while I try to find a lawyer that I can keep on retainer cheap.  Hey I think that is a oxymoron. 

Pick Up Lines

                 Pick-Up Lines

Well in my study of relationships today I figured I would examine pick up lines.  Not a big fan of them for myself, but they do very well it sitcoms.  Some are good. Many are bad. A few are even clever. Note: Use these at your own risk.

Are your legs tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day.

Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.

If I gave you a sexy negligee, would there be anything in it for me?

How would you like to have your bellybutton tickled? From the inside.

Is that a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your pants.

I know milk does a body good, but damn, how much have you been drinking?

Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

Do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package.

I work at a condom factory. Want to help me test my product?

I'll bet you 10 bucks I could get all your clothes off in 30 seconds.

Was your father a mechanic? No? Then, how'd you get such a finely tuned body?

Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?

Playing doctor is for kids. Let's play gynecologist.

Excuse me, but do fries come with that shake?

That dress looks great on you. As a matter of fact, so would I.

Hi. I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?

I think I could fall madly in bed with you.

Can you believe that just a few hours ago we'd never even been to bed together?

What do you say we go behind that rock and get a little boulder?

You look better and better each day, and tonight, you look like tomorrow.

If I follow you home, will you keep me?

Excuse me, but is that dress felt? Would you like it to be?

As long as I have a face, you'll always have a place to sit.

That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed.

There are 265 bones in your body. Would you like another one?

You know, it's not premarital sex unless you plan on getting married.

I lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.

That's a nice set of legs, what time do they open?

I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your Bedrock.

The voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

Are you accepting applications for your fan club?

You're on my list of thing to do tonight.

If you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?

Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?

Do you want to see something swell?

What do you like for breakfast?

I'm not actually this tall. I'm sitting on my wallet.

Say, did we go to different schools together?

Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

Would you like gin and platonic or do you prefer scotch and sofa?

True, there are a lot of fish in the sea, but you're the only one I'd like to catch and mount back at my place.

How do you like your eggs—poached, scrambled or fertilized?<O:P>

You have some nice jewelry. It would look great on my nightstand.

Sex is a killer. Want to die happy?

I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into a cheap motel room across the street.

My friend said I couldn't start a conversation with the most beautiful girl in the room. Will you help me prove he was wrong?

Excuse me, but I think I dropped something. My jaw!

Would you like to have kids with me? No? Well, then, would you just like to practice?

I'm on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler?

Do you have a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your pants.

Is it hot in here, or is it just you?

I'm going to have sex with you tonight no matter what so you might as well be there.

I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?

You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.

I'm Irish. Do you have any Irish in you? Would you like some?

Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.

Look at the tag in her shirt and say: "I want to see if you were really made in heaven."

I ran out of Viagra. Can I use you?

Let's do breakfast tomorrow—should I call you or nudge you?

There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.

Do you have a quarter? Too bad—I need to call my mother and tell her that I found the woman of my dreams.

That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?

Are you religious? Good, because I'm the answer to your prayers.

Did it hurt when you fell out of heaven?

What a coincidence—the woman I'd forget for you is blonde, too!

Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling Tic-Tacs?

Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.

I'd like to rearrange the alphabet and put "u" and "i" together.

Love Tips From Kids

Hey since I am still learning this whole relationship thing I figured I'd listen to the kids and see if they can give me some pointers.

        Tips on Love from Kids

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?

"Eighty-four, because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."
(Judy,8)

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife."
(Tom,5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
(Mike, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding."
(Jim, 10)

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."
(Kally, 9)

THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them."
(Lynette, 9)

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble."
(Kenny, 7)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE:

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular."
(Jan, 9)

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."
(Harlen, 8)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
(Roger, 9)

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long."
(Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE:

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."
(Jeanne, 8)

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me, I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."
(Gary, 7)

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."
(Christine,9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them."
(Dave, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpson is on television."
(Anita, 6)

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me."
(Bobby, 8)

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough."
(Regina, 10)

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."
(Ava, 8)

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores."
(Del, 6)

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."
(Alonzo, 9)

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually work for me."
(Bart, 9)

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?

"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love."
(John, 9)

"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food."
(Brad, 8)

"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are on fire."
(Christine, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"

"The person is thinking, Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day."
(Michelle, 9)

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS:

"You learn it right on the spot when the gushy feelings get the best of you."
(Doug, 7)

"It might help to watch soap operas all day."
(Carin, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it."
(Jean, 10)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work."
(Tom, 7)

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash."
(Randy, 8)

Important?

An incident this morning brought up those old feelings of not feeling important.  This made me spiral down and I knew it was more than the incident that was making me feel this way.  I am grateful for all my friends that I was able to chat with to work through the stuff.  It's an old tape.  When I am shown that I am not important, boy does it kick the sh*t up for me.  I am grateful also that I have the tools to deal with this now instead of the bad ways I used to deal with it in the past.  So it's working it to pull me out of the pit.    I know that no one else controls my importance.  Just me.  If I let someone treat me badly then I have to look at myself.  What someone else does or says does not reflect what kind of person I am.  I am important to myself and that is all that will truly matter in the end.  Another opportunity to improve myself.  Oh joy!  LOL. Glad it was slow at work today. It is days like this that badly affects the office.

Everything You Wanted to Know About Men But Were Afraid to Ask

Well I don't know what I am on, but whatever it is it's good.  Got to remember what I did today that made me feel so good.  Anyhow since I am not pacing myself today I figured what the hey another entry.  I was reading in the paper today the big increase in book sales explaining men to women.  While the opposite in explanation books is not going anywhere.  Since we aren't going to ask for directions when we are lost there is no way we are going to buy a book to understand women.  Hey we have the locker room and bathroom walls to tell us everything we need to know.  Anyway I have formed a list of useful information you women probably should know about us.  Hopefully this will save you some money at the bookstore. 

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Be careful of men who are bald and rich. The arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald."

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.

Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.

Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private, but in public they have to know.

All men are afraid of eyelash curlers.

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually havejobs and bathe.

All men hate to hear, "We need to talk about our relationship."

Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.

All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not.

Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types, depressing and more depressing. Men have two types, nerdy and not nerdy.

If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

Men have higher body temperatures than women. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie "The Way We Were" twice, voluntarily.

Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.

Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause, you gain weight and get hot flashes. With male menopause, you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

Men forget everything. Women remember everything. That's whymen need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.