Enlivenment Exercises Part II

Hallmark Cards You'll
(Probably) Never See

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?"

"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought religion in my life. I never believed in Hell till I met you."

"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

"As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me, like the need for therapy..."

"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."

"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age--almost lifelike!"

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."

"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket--I'd miss you a lot and think of you often."

"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday--so we're having you put to sleep."

"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!" (Available only in Alabama.)