General Junk

I was talking to someone new to the area and I asked her why she moved here.  I expected the usual military move, but no.  She moved here to move out of the south!?  Being a northern Yankee I think of Virginia as the south, although I know southern's don't see it that way.  It was just funny to hear someone finally say it.

My gummies are finally here.  I ordered some gummies last week that are made from ground up vegetables and fruit.  I'm trying to pace myself with them.  It's a four month supply, but I can see why people go through them so fast.  Their yummy and good for you.  What more could you ask for?

Been trying to update this page, but I didn't like any other colors and I was hoping AOL gave us some new options, but atlas no.  So I changed my description. 

My 15 Seconds

Well I got my 15 seconds on the radio this morning.  My radio station was talking about how Regal cinemas is now introducing this remote control for customers in the theater to alert them of problems with the picture quality, sound, if some one is pirating, or someone is being a problem.  They were wondering if it was a good or bad idea.  I voted bad.  I use to be a movie usher many years ago when I was a teenager.  We use to have to do regular walk through's to make sure everything is okay.  I never see them now a days.  If the ushers not going to come in the theater now a days a remote is not going to help.  Also people with a high threshold for crap won't want a remote.  It'll be the person with the low tolerance and they'll be hitting it because the person behind them burped.  The theater business is not what it use to be years ago.  It was a really fun job.

We're having a block party tomorrow in the executive park that I work in.  Actually myself and someone else is giving it.  The owners don't seem to care, but the employees seem to like it.  The ironic incident was when I walked into the security place.  No one answered as I walking and down the long hallway.  When I finally walked into the office the woman there was scared.  Like jeez you would expect the security sales people to have something in place to protect their own people.  I guess not.

Also I added a map to the page now.  So that everyone can flag where they are.  Enjoy.

Skip the Line Fandango

Last night was one of those nights I awoke many time for a minute then fell back to sleep.  I truly dislike those nights.  Usually what happens is that I keep dreaming different little dreams and by the time I awake in the morning I have no idea what is fantasy and what is reality.  I thought one of my house mates came how late last night.  I thought I smelt perfume.  Did I almost rear end that car?  What's up with those spider webs?  It took me a little while this morning to realize it was all part of my dream induced psychosis.

I did ask my friend if C was dating anyone.  She said she wasn't quite sure, but she would find out for me.  I did like what I heard about her.  She was described as very intelligent and articulate.  She's been to law school, been a cabaret dancer and worked in ballet.  So she sounded pretty well rounded.  We'll see where it goes from here.  I'm in no rush.

Raising the Bar

I got kudos this morning from my networking group on raising the bar.  What was funny was I just did what everyone was told to do.  The veteran members admitted their were embarrassed by all the work I put into my stuff and they were kind of just sitting there winging it.

I tell you I can get use to this living alone thing.  I know I enjoy talking with my landlord a few times a week at the dinner table, but having free run of the house is great.  I've always had it.  From when I was a tiny tot till now.  Being alone in the house has always been a way of life and I enjoy and revel in it. 

Late Night

Late nights are still rough.  Even though I don't want to be back with L I do miss her.  Or at least the relationship.  I like doting on someone.  I like the relationship time very much.  I know that at some point I will be with another person again, but for now I am sad.  It is making it hard for me to let go of dating for a little while to get back to being single again.  A place where dating is optional instead of a need.  However I am still unable to let go.  I'm good when I am by myself, but when a woman comes into my field I am quickly sizing her up as date material.  Even though I know I'm not going to ask her out.  Once I can get back to that Zen mindset of being okay with or without then dating can resume.  This is the track I would like to take while wondering if C at my friend's office is single.  Oh well.

The Good & Bad

Well the air guitar is coming out and being dusted off.  My landlord is going on a trip for the next 10 days.  My other house mate Pete is moving out and Mal is never here.  So the house is mine!  <<evil laughter>>

Bummed that another one of my favorite journals went private.  Swimming in the Dating Pool just went private.  >:p  Oh well I guess I will have to search around for another one to take her place.

The Other Woman

I had a few people ask about the other woman I stated before.  I believe I talked about her in my other journal, but not here.  Please don't ask what I named her there.  Anyway it was a 3 month relationship if it could be called that many years ago.  People always had a hard time understanding it.  Since conversation was limited to, "hi, missed you, bye, have to get back to work."  Anything else were just moans and groans.  It was a relationship of sex.  I was younger and I thought hey sex all the time when we are together.  No complicated communication, no money being spent, and borderline illegal sex.  I swear it was like living in a porno movie cause it was all a fantasy.  I knew the other woman was borderline obsessed with me, but I knew that could turn around in a second.  Since I did see it every once in a while.  Topped off that any answer she every gave me was opposite to any physical evidence.  "Like is that a wedding ring?"  "No I just like wearing it.  I can take it off if you like."  However I was young and the sex was great.  So as long as she wasn't a man I was okay with it.  The sad realization I had was that sex alone doesn't make a relationship.  I was really shocked at the time since this was like a dream relationship.  Like all other aspects of my life I am always striving to better it or move it to the next level.  To my surprise I have bought a single story house without any additional floors and their was some unwritten law that I couldn't make any more.  I think she would have wanted to, but without any truthful information coming I ended it.  Actually it was like the beginning of the Six Million Dollar man with him crashing.  It ended and started up several times until I finally did crawl out with a lesson learned.

Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

We lucked out with a great holiday weekend weather wise.  Since the gym will be closed tomorrow I headed off their today to balance everything out.  Jeez the weight room was packed.  It can get crowded during the week, but it was packed today.  Now I know why I usually pass on the weekend.

I got all my stuff ready for my Tuesday morning meeting.  I learned last week with a smaller presentation it worked better so I needed to cut some things out before I printed it up.

Stopping by Starbucks to finish up my gift card.  Since I'm not looking for her I ran into Ms. Hallmark again.  LOL.  She pays me no mind so I have written her off.

Picked up a few movies to watch and relax with.  I had to get Full Metal Jacket.  I've never watched the full movie since I saw it in the theaters, but I love watching it up to the "Me love you long time" scene.  That half of the movie is great with, "I'm going to poke your eye out and skull f*ck you!" coming out on top of the classic sergeant lines.

I ended my errands stopping by to check on my patient over in rehab.  She's the one that went into the hospital and her DIL came down grabbed her husband and all the money and took off.  She is doing well and hopefully will be released this week.  I was happy that she would be transferred to an assisted living facility near her son in Arlington. 

Let's Talk About Sex

Hanging out tonight.  So I'm perusing around at different journals and I found a really good guy one.  Gaijin Smash.  I don't know how it is in the rest of the free world, but here on AOL it is mostly women bloggers.  I don't mind it and enjoy reading them.  However I read somewhere that men and women are different.  So reading something from a guys point of view is refreshing.  Anyway as I was reading through past entries I came across one on sex and the differences in sex drives with men and women. 

Somewhere in the dim recesses of my mind it was carved in stone that women have a lower sex drive and men are like dogs in heat 24/7.  I mean that was me when I was younger and my ex re-enforced my view of women.  However the other woman and L both had high sex drives.  With L I have come to better grips with it.  I remember having a conversation with my friend Paul early on in the relationship.  I wasn't complaining about it, but it was really a square peg in a round hole in my mind.  I just couldn't come to grips with it.  He was under the same belief as I was, but his female therapist had set him straight with it.  For the life of me I can't remember what he said, but it basically came down that it was normal.  I must have been dropped as a baby.

Baking at the Strawberry Festival

Well are extra person canceled so it ended up being Gina and myself at the festival.  She had never been there so it better having a newbie there.  Since the festival is down to a science .  The vendors are all in the same place they are every year.  It's like deja vu.  We did get to catch the end of the pig races.  The little piglets are really cute and I love when they jump into the water.  It was a hot one today and I made sure to dress for the weather.  Actually I think my shoulders got a little red.  I was surprised when I looked in the mirror.  Still have that skinny kid look in my mind and not the person who has been in the gym regularly for a year and a half.  Someday it will sink in.

My friend Peggy may be coming to the area for the weekend, but I still haven't heard anything from her.  I love my old friends, but I have to admit there all pretty flaky when it comes to staying in touch.  When we were in college together I had a think for her, but she was unhappily married at the time.  When I ran into her last year at a seminar she still looked like she did in school and had been divorced for a decade.  However I had forgotten all the craziness that went along with her.  While it's good to keep in touch I wouldn't push things any farther.

Cramps

Well I tried an all vegetable drink today.  I like all the other products so I thought nothing about it.  Boy was I wrong.  The feeling of ground glass rolling around my stomach was really intense.  The worse part was that I knew I wasn't dying and the pain wouldn't end soon.  Glad I didn't drink the whole thing.

Well I met my friend's massage therapist today.  She was average looking, but really had a nice personality.  So I will put her on the list in the back of my mind.  Don't know if I will do anything with it or when. 

Well Gina's husband is gone for the weekend so she's joining me when I go to the Strawberry Festival tomorrow.  I asked other people, but so far no one else has agreed.

I'm Now a Member

Well I joined millions of Americans today driving around with their engine light on.  I was hoping my gas cap was on incorrectly, but no such luck.  It was very convenient that my warranty ended last week.  Oh well.

Took my Mom over to see her cardiologist today.  She was doing well except for the narrowing of her aorta.  It shrank a lot in a 6 month period and we'll check it again in a few more months.  Only surgery will fix it and both the doctor and I know that would most likely be a death sentence for my Mom.  Since she is pretty inactive these days it will be a while before she has any symptoms, but most likely this is what will do her in sometime in the future. 

I beat after work today so I stopped by Starbucks since I have a few bucks left on my card.  I ran into Ms. Hallmark who really didn't give me the time of day.  I thought that the last time I ran into her, but this time I made sure.

Weird

A friend introduced me for my presentation last night and people clapped when I walked up.  It was weird and I said so.  The presentation went well.  Afterwards people said it was a really great presentation.  Working on being proud of my creation.  My friend said I just need to give more time between slides.  He said I took exactly 30 minutes and I could have dragged it to 45 to let people digest the information.  Most of you can't tell from here, but I am a fast talker.  I was doing my best to slow through the presentation tonight.  I'll have to do a 5 count or something before I go to the next slide next time since I'm doing it twice again next month.

Time Ain't on My Side

When I'm doing something, anything I am very rarely nervous.  However anticipation kills me.  So hear I am waiting to do my presentation tonight.  The office is dead so there really is nothing to keep me occupied and any little crap just isn't going to do it.  This talk is going to be different than anything I have done in a long time.  I know people here tonight.  I'm use to strangers.  It's like asking out a perfect stranger.  If I get shot down who cares probably never see them again. This time I will see these people tomorrow in the office.  I know it falls under the heading of caring WAY too much what other people think about me.  No control over it so I'm working on letting it go.  I'm a physical person so this medium works well for me.  Interesting enough I no longer know who is coming tonight since so many people have changed their mind from one way to the other.

Waiting Time

I hate this 5-10 minutes when the patient is suppose to be here, but there not.  Are they coming?  Are they being a total bonehead and forgot?  I get anxious in this little time period.  After a while I rather they not come since I can work myself up.  I think it drives me back to a period when never knew how my Mom was going to be when she got home.  The unknown of what is going to walk in the door.

Yesterday a patient finally got in after several reschedules, but he called each time.  He was very apologetic, but I was it was okay.  You called and that is all that matters.  Shit happens and as long as you call in any relationship it's okay in my book.

Man I'm getting old.  I'm tired today after staying up late last night.  I need my 8 hours of sleep. 

Okay the allotted 10 minutes has passed and he hasn't shown.  So it's not happening and I'll call to reschedule.  The day just got a little slower.  Well it does allow me some more time to practice my presentation for tonight.  I was asked for a bio.  I put some info together and emailed over asking my friend to put it into some sense since she would be reading it. 

Grindhouse

Certain events seem to draw different people.  Movie night seemed to dip into all the pools and draw people out.  We had a big crowd which was fun, but once we got inside we all sat in different parts of the theater so it was a little weird. 

Grindhouse was good.  I'm not a horror fan so Planet of Terror was okay, but Death Bolt was really good.  I was glad it was second it made staying up late worth it.

Shortcake was with a guy tonight.  I did get to interact with her more and she's not really my type.  With this I am more happy.  I knew I should be taking more time off and money is tight.  However someone liking me is sometimes hard to pass over.  By the time I get some more money in my pocket enough time will have passed I'm sure.

What a Difference a Day Makes

Deciding to look for a part time job and have a new patient cancel yesterday got me down into the dumps.  However I had my Monday night men's group.  I have run it in a while since I want others to do it and I don't want to be in charge.  It's not my group, it's all of ours.  Anyway the group does respond better when I run it since I have more experience running it and it flows through it.  So I felt nice and energized afterwards. 

Then this morning at my Networking meeting I was asked to be part of the membership committee.  I was honored since I have only been in the group 2-3 weeks, but they all know how hard I work at it.  So it was nice to appreciated. 

Then 2 surprised appointments and I'm doing well tonight.  Hopefully it will continue.  Although I know this is the holiday weekend so NO ONE will come in Friday. :P

Anyway I'm looking forward to seeing Grindhouse tonight and hoping to talk to Shortcake to see how things go.  If not my friend has her friend waiting in the wings for me.

Sssshhhh Don't Tell Anyone

I was talking to my friend Paul this morning since we couldn't hook up on the phone yesterday.  So he asked how my weekend went.  I gave him the quick run down and I was just about finish when I remembered something that was REALLY weird Saturday.  I told him and I could hear his jaw drop on the other side of the phone.  So what is it you ask?  Well when Gina and I went out Saturday we stopped at a burger joint for lunch.  So we are just shooting the shit while we are eating.  Then I notice it.  She's slowly stroking her cup, all the way up and then all the way down, while she's talking to me.  My married friend was doing this to ME!  That's when I got my feet wet, started staring at the pyramids and got knee deep in denial.  I think it was why I forgot about it.  Have to avoid seeing her alone.

Been Putting it Off

Well I've been hoping not to get another part time job, but the office still doesn't cover all my bills.  So it's back out there for another job.  The biggest problem is trying to find something that fits my time schedule.  Since anything done at the office makes me infinitely more money than I will get in a part time job here.  It was a pain finding something last time.  Hopefully it will be easier this time.

This only compounded my new patient cancelling today.  I knew she wouldn't be long term since she hurt her self helping someone else's child and didn't want to have to pay for her own healthcare, but I figured she would last a few visits.

Grindhouse

Well my friend Gina is having a event to go see Grindhouse Tuesday night.  Looking at the people are going I see Shortcake is going.  (It's easier to use nicknames than letters) I met her a few weeks ago at Gina's last event.  I knew she liked me, but I was with L so I didn't say anything to her which worked since we were at opposite ends of the table.  Hopefully I can chat with her Tuesday and she what she is about.

Lazy Sunday

Sleeping like 12 hours always makes the day lazy for me.  It was nice to have a good nights sleep.  One thing I sort of miss and don't know why I had them were my "unfinished business" dreams.  Every time I slept over L's house I had them.  Some incident in the past was replayed with me in the present day finishing the business in a better way.  Very strange.

Well when I finally got myself on the road today I pretty much wanted to go back home and go to bed.  Well since I didn't get to see my Mom Friday due to work I stopped by today to see her.  Then I exorcised L from my car by vacuuming all her hair out of the vehicle. 

I topped off my laziness by stopping at Starbucks to read and relax.  With networking in high gear Monday through Friday, passivity was the word of the day.  I tell you the weather is great here today and I wish I could open the windows in the house, but that is a no no due to the system in the house.  Hey I just live here.

I do miss being a relationship this weekend especially hanging with Gina yesterday.  My problem is that I can feel myself missing it too much and that means I need to enjoy my single life again before I jump back in the dating pool.

I Want to be a Women

A friend of mine the realtor asked if I would go onto Match and take a look at her cousins profile.  She has been on a while and has only had two people look at her.  The realtor said she was attractive so she didn't understand.  So I agreed to take a look.  She was attractive, not my type, and it was a good profile.  Now I was curious also why their was so little visitors.  So after looking in all the nooks and crannies I found the problem.  She must of hit the wrong button with the languages since it said she spoke Dutch instead of English.  Mystery solved. 

Anyway I figured since I'm logged in I'll peruse around.  Okay it must be a women thing, but many of the women I looked at wanted their potential mates making at least $75k a year.  It really negated all the "I want a nice guy, romance, etc."  As a guy all I see is gold digger or someone that just wants to be taken care of.  Too bad my membership is over I would like to look for a woman making $75k a year.  Hell I'll stay home and take care of the house.  Where's my sugar momma?  I think to balance it Match and the other sites will have to put bust - waist - hip measurements in the equation of desired things. 

Tags: realtor, Match

Stockley Garden

Gina & Me

Well it turned out to be a nice day here.  I picked up my friend Gina and we headed out around noon.  There was too many events going on today and everyone else was scattered across the seven cities.  We actually took a detour and hit a flea market first.  I haven't been to one in like 20 years so it was fun. 

Twice a year the Stockley Garden art show happens.  It's in a quaint area of Norfolk with big old houses.  A lot of trees near a waterway.  It all leads to a nice relaxing time.  Gina had never been to one yet so it was an experience for her.  Actually this was the first time I wasn't going with any intention of buying anything.  Just being a tourist today.  I have to admit it is mostly the same old artist, but I do get to see their new stuff. 

Afterwards Gina suggested Five Guys Burgers.  I had never been there before and she was a regular.  They do a good burger.  Being thrift store people we hit a couple of them before I dropped her off.  I did hit one more after I dropped her off and found a nice find of Pokemon Monopoly.  I know Eric will like that and it will be something for us to play over the summer.

I see this time around my friends are all on the lookout for single women for me.  It's very nice of them.  I'm not dissuading them, but I think I am a hunter and enjoy finding her myself. 

The world's smallest Mercedes.

Happy Hour

Well HH got to moved to another place that I had been before.  It's really weird to walk into a room full of people you don't know.  I spotted my friend Gina and we talked a little while before she went and mingled.  I did the same with a few people I had gone to an event with some time in the past.  In Meetin their are so many different groups of people that many of us never meet.  The HH crowd was different from my normal crowd, not that I really have one.  However the nerds usually come to my events.  Don't know what that says.  I guess some people had seen my face so they said hello.  One thing I do hate about HH is the smoke.  I made it two hours being by the plastic windows to get some fresh air every once in a while.  This talking to strangers and getting to know them is not relaxing after I do it so much while I'm networking. Strangers in the minority are okay, but the majority is just way too much work.  I do enjoy the events that we are doing something.  I'm not a drinker so doing a event around that is lost on me.

Friday

Well I've gotten two marriage proposals in the last two days.  Both were already married when they made them, but it was funny none the less. 

Business networking has been working out so far.  The side advantage that I didn't realize is that my goals have been increased with doing this.  My bare existence goals have been replaced with more realistic ones.  Part of this has raised how I feel about myself and the business which is a good thing.

Looking forward to the weekend.  I have my Happy Hour tonight with a friend.  I think this might be my first happy hour I have ever attended.  Not usually my cup of tea, but my friend Gina is going and we both said if the other one went then we would go.  So hopefully it will be a fun time. 

Update

Just to let everyone know I'm doing well.  It's amazing what a dose of manipulation will do to you.  I'm very sensitive to it after 16 years with my ex and I can spot it in a sec.  So I was pretty freakin' angry this morning when I read L's message.  Actually I was surprised she wrote back, but I guess she couldn't have it on her shoulders so she tried to dump it back on me.  Well hell I feel better than I have all week. 

Pulled myself out of the muck last night after I did a arthritis presentation to a diabetes support group.  I've done the talk before with everyone very happy with it.  I was really surprised that it was pretty quiet last night with no questions.  It made me feel uncomfortable for a while until I cut them out of the equation.  I knew I did the best job I could and I believed it was a good one.  With that attitude and perspective I felt better.  The funny thing is that I had a new patient come in this morning and another worker in the place was at the talk last night.  Small world.

WTF!?

Good morning Mike,

I hope you are doing well. I said in my email to you that I needed some time apart to think and gather my thoughts and I would talk to you once I reached that goal. I never said that was the end. My intentions were to discuss things with you after my time of reflection. I am sorry you misunderstood. Perhaps I did not make myself clear. I apologize for my lack of clarity if that was the case. I did not intend to leave you hanging (for lack of a better word). I simply needed some time apart to collect my thoughts about us.

At any rate, by the tone and words in your message, it sounds that you have decided to end it. I will certainly comply with your wishes. I wish you the very best, Mike. You are a wonderful man and I will always remember your tenderness, kindness, and love.

L

WTF?!  You don't return my phone calls or the email I sent before this.  In a relationship their are two people and for that to work communication is a must.  Without it, it breaks down.  Self thought is a wonderful thing, even though most of you rib me about it, when it involves another person you can't just drop off the face of the earth leaving the other person in limbo. I know I've done it in the past to disastrous results.

I wrote the email last night because I felt like I was shit on and I no longer wanted to be holding the steaming pile.  However I think I was just handed it back.  The email has made me angrier since it still doesn't sound like a person who wants to be with me, but just a lure to make me come a running.  Been there done that.

Fairwell

When this email break up happened my friend Christine, who I dated but didn't work out, was very strong on me calling L to have my final say.  An old habit that came to me as I lie here in bead tonight is my bad habit of accepting shit.  I grew up that way and it still hangs around, but at least I do spot it from time to time.  So I got up, turned on my laptop, and wrote out a email to L.

L,

 

Since we never had a final talk this medium will have to do.  I was very surprised and hurt when I read your email and that it would end this way.  Throughout our time together we talked about everything and I am still speechless that you would choose the cowardly way out. 

 

Please give Trevor a scratch behind his right ear for me.

 

Goodbye,

 

Michael

 

Hopefully this will give me some measure of closure.

Minimizing

Well I thank Sharon for informing me of the stage that I missed "bargaining".  It helped label how I was feeling this morning.  The "why's".  I really wasn't looking  for an answer, but the crap was flying around the back of my brain.  Since my dear John letter I have been waking up in the middle of the night.  Gratefully I fall back to sleep, but I know their must be more than I'm admitting. I'm a minimizer.  I do miss L.  I miss having a girlfriend and having someone to dote on.  The warmth of someone next to me while I sleep.  Someone to look forward to seeing.  As always I'm not the superman I think I am and that this stuff does affect me more than I would like.  However like most things if I feel it it will pass sooner and more smoothly.

The Four Stages

If I can remember right their are four stages to the grieving process.  I did denial pretty quickly and depression lasted a day or two.  I had a bout with anger last night.  Nothing concrete or directed at anything.  Just a childish passing of I hope you get hit by a truck or somthing.  So I think acceptance is next.  I'm not feeling as flat as I have been so this too shall pass.

I got a letter from the ex today informing me when Eric is going to be at camp.  She's getting more friendly in the letters.  Still don't trust her an inch.  I would like some stability here in all our communications, but since I couldn't get it throughout our marriage I seriously doubt I'm going to get it now.

On the Horse

Jackie's comment last entry got me thinking or pondering.  Years ago I had to go through an exercise about my life.  It was a short exercise and the reason was that I had chosen not to be involved in life.  Due to fear, low self esteem, etc.  Kind of like Earl on "My Name is Earl" I had to make it up to myself.  So I am.  I will not let anything from stopping me from enjoying life.  It's one of the reasons I've been so happy over the last few years.  It's easier to enjoy life when your part of it.  Hopefully at the end of the ride I can sneak another turn.

Comedy Night

I had my monthly comedy improv event.  It was the lowest turn out yet, but it's also Mother's Day.  It was hilarious as always and they had a new person who was very good.  It was nice to see April.  She still looks attractive to me, but I know there isn't enough there for me.  The weird thing is actually interacting with her.  It's awkward for me and I don't know why.  It ended well.  I think I fell back into an old pattern of reacting instead of acting.  I know April is feeling awkward and I react to it instead of just being okay. 

I was surprised that I was able to delete all my L stuff today.  When I went out with B it took me a long time.  I think I just deleted her email last month about a year and half later.  However we ended better which like I said before just sets the tone for me.

Tidbits

I stopped by my Mom's today for the holiday.  She was in the activities room where they were having a party.  So I got to have lunch with her then take her out and do her nails.  She was happy to see me.  I tried calling my bro and family, but they were uncontactable.  I need to get her summer clothes out of storage and switch them for her winter stuff.

I came home last night to find a bird in the kitchen.  My landlord and myself had manuever it back into the garage to get it outside.  I was really surprised it didn't knock itself out from hitting the window.

My friend Paul was surprised I wasn't angry with L.  I couldn't think of anything to be angry about.  I enjoyed the relationship and learned a lot.  Can't ask for more.

A New Day

Readers note:  Start 2 entries ago to understand all of this.

I have to admit I'm not pining for L.  If you don't want me I don't want you.  Maybe I knew this was coming and I prepared myself I don't know.  The only question I have is that she emailed me.  For all the things she had told me over the last few months this surprised me.  L is the second woman to actually dump me.  I'm happy to say I don't argue when this happens and that I've always talked with the woman when the roles have been reversed

A few people have said that I might hear from her again. I don't know if I want to.  How we handle things says a lot about the person and I don't like how this was handled.  If she had talked to me my answer probably would be different.  I have to admit it wasn't that hard to take down her pictures.  Phone number and email address are still around, but I think they will be gone by the end of the day.  I usually keep them around if I hope to hear from the person again.

So far today I am happy to report the want for another relationship right now is nil which is good.  Since I know that means I'm moving in the right direction.

Okay it's Official: I'm Depressed

Note to readers:  If you didn't read my last entry don't read this first.

Like I stated last week I knew it would hurt if L and I broke up and it does.  I was very grateful to my friend Gina who offered to me to join her while she picked up b-day presents for her hubby then go to the Caribean Festival down on the beach.  It got me out and not mope around.  It was fun and we saw some great steel drum bands.  It also helped get me out of my initial I just want to find someone else not to feel the pain mode.  I knew that would be the most stupidest thing I could do, but the feeling was strong. 

So I dropped Gina off with her hubby to celebrate and I headed over to the bookstore to kill time.  I had an amazing find there.  A Blood Sword graphic novel contining the stories I had read about 15 years ago.  I never thought to see this on the market.  The price tag was a little steep, but I figured I'd treat myself since of what happened.  By then I was hungry so I grabbed some Chinese food for dinner.  Sitting there with nothing to occupy my mind is when it really hit me again.  I could feel the depression settle on me.  It killed my appetite pretty fast.  One thing remains on my mind from the relationship.  For all the things L talked about with me I am surprised she couldn't say this to me and had to email.  Just weird.  I will miss saying I have a girlfriend and having pictures on my dresser. 

 

I Knew Something was Up

We'll I called L last night then this morning to see about today.  I usually hear back from her, but I was still anxious from last weekend.  I kinda felt like she was pulling away then.  Then the Thursday cancellation and not certain about Saturday.  So when I found her email this morning saying, "I need to take a break and gain some perspective and distance on things. Once I reflect and sort out thoughts I'll contact you."  I wasn't surprised.  Talking to my friend he asked how I was doing and to be truthful I feel better knowing where I stand.  I feel sad, but for the last 18 hours I knew something was up, but not what and that drives me crazy.  Some may say that she may contact me again, but I doubt it.  If you can't verbally say it to me it's over. 

Har Hootie Maties

Someone must be getting rid of all the Bionicle toys.  I have so much of the stuff sitting in my closet now I think I'm good for presents for Eric for a few years. It sucks their are no holidays coming up.  I'll probably give him one for graduation and a book.  Mental note I really need to hide the stuff when he comes to visit.  Hopefully he still likes this stuff by Christmas.

The continuing saga of rescheduling made the end of my week droop.  The good think is that they are rescheduled for next week.  However it really shot the bottom out of my numbers this week.

Thursday Wrap Up

The rest of my day was really good.  An old patient called me today.  I hadn't seen her in a few months since she went into the hospital then into rehab.  She was still in rehab and would go to assisted living afterwards.  That is something I can't understand.  If you put all your money in social security you will make too much income to have the government pay for assisted living, but they will pay a nursing home for you.  However if you don't put much money in social security your income will be lower and the government will pay for assisted living.  Screwed.  Anyway I digress.  She had no idea where her husband was.  He wasn't doing well by himself while she was away so her daughter in law took him, his stuff, and the money back to NY without a word. she still can get no contact.  It was nice to hear from her though.  I had worried since I had lost contact with them with mail coming back.  So I will go visit her in the morning before work.

I went to my friend DL's graduation ceremony from nursing school.  She was very happy to see me and I was happy for her. I know school had been rough on her and she was ecstatic that it was over.  Even though we don't talk often she is one of the oldest people I still have contact with down her.  She use to be the receptionist in the first office I subleased at.

Last off I joined friends over at the Funny Bone.  It was a good show even with the fire alarm going off.  This was a big joke for the comedians for the rest of the night cause no one moved when it went off and continued to go off.  We only went outside when our ears hurt too much.  One of the ladies in the group liked me.  I tell you I don't know how to handle that.  We were on opposite ends of the table so we never got to talk.  However anytime I looked down at that end she would try to catch my eyes and smile.  I sort of smiled back.  If we were closer I could have just talked and be uninterested, but from across the table it was weird.

My friend Gina did give me the lowdown on L though.  She was like, "duh Mike do I really need to tell you she likes you.  If she pays for you she likes you."  I'll buy that.

One of those Weeks

It's reschedule week here in the office.  Everyday I come in and my schedule has been rescheduled by my patients.  Busy days have gone slow and dead days have gotten busy.  I'm happy when they come in, but I do like having something I can plan around for other patients and such.

In my journey through new blogs last night I steered more to the dating blogs of people my age since I could relate better to there world then a twenty something.  Then I got to one twenty something and I had to LMAO.  Her description for the blog was that she was in her 20's and finally single.  No offense lady your in your 20's.  You can't use that line until after 35 to get any crediability.

I also usually stay more with the women bloggers since you give more feelings than just the facts mam that guys usually do.  Although I did find T Max's blog hilarious.  He's a womanizing bastard and he knows it.  So like watching Two and Half Men I can get a good laugh. 

The last thing I'll gripe about is that an associate of mine invited me to a inspirational seminar.  I'll pass on giving the name.  Anyway it didn't do much for since it was a washed down version of things I've done over the years.  So as to make this different they changed the language to make it different and to justify the cost.  Anyway the instructor kept asking, "what are you being?"  What he was really asking was how are you feeling.  Being kept throwing me like a 10 foot high speed bump.  I have to admit is was really annoying me.  I got to the point I was like if he says it one more time I'm going to beat him with my chair then ask him what are you being?

Reality Perversion

One thing I am realizing is that my concept of time is way off.  When I first separated I switched barbers in my place.  The lady I was use to going to knew Eric and I and I didn't really want to go into the whole speal, plus she didn't do a great neck.  I still see her when I go in there sometimes and I feel like it is last week.  It's 2 months short of 3 years.  Many things resonate in my head that way.  Things that happened a while ago, but to me it still feels recent.  Probably holding too much feelings/energy with them.

*Note complete topic change and just too lazy to make it a new entry.

As some might notice my sidebar is changing again as I surf more blogs out there on the fringe of reality.  For reasons plain to be seen I have been hitting many dating blogs.  I find that more women than men write them.  Some are quite interesting.

Wednesday

I don't know how L does it.  5:30 is just way too early in the am to be getting up.  So I went to my first Rotary meeting.  Everyone was nice, but it seemed like the old boys room.  While there were a couple of younger people it was mostly the geriatric gang.  That in itself I don't mind, but I did feel like I fit in there.  I'm just a regular guy.

My conversation with L last night was okay.  We had some fun, but it seem to die on the vine.  Most likely we'll get together Saturday for some fun to be determined.

I'm beat and I think I will pass on fencing tonight.  I didn't want to since I will miss the next 2 weeks due to doing presentations.

Tuesday

Tuesday's has become the early day for me with my early morning network meeting. I'm happy with my choice and I get a good laugh with everyone at the meeting.  I've gotten some referrals also which has helped and made it worth it.  I did meet up with two of them today for a one on one to get to know each other.  The last one I met is a stress reducer and she did a free 15 minute session with me.  I've been tired the rest of the day so I guess it is working. 

I feel like I'm back in the Medicaid process with my Mom.  Business is looking better, money is being generated (still needs to come in), and the potential is increasing daily.  On the other side is that I still can't find where this $500 is.  I went over the last month and it looks good so it must have been last month.  Part of me wants to say F*ck it, but it's too much money and what's left in the account isn't much.  So I worry about it all working out by the end of the month. 

I wasn't going to make my usual Tuesday call to L tonight, but I caught myself being childish.  Not calling since I couldn't see her Thursday.  So I kicked myself in the ass and did the right thing.  It was an okay call. L I know doesn't enjoy talking on the phone, but I believe a connection needs to be kept.  Since I believe it I'm the one doing it.  Anyway I'm finally able to go with my friend Gina to the Funny Bone.  She's been asking me for months to go, but I am always busy.  So she finally gave up and this week I got to ask her.  Grabbed the last free ticket too.

Never Fails

I tell you it never fails.  When I pre do something before it's confirmed I always have a problem.  Like if I close out everything early in the office because no one else is schedules that is it.  If I wait half the time someone comes in.  This week I got use to scheduling L in my PDA on Thursdays.  I held back for a moment before I did it, but said WTH.  Anyway I get an email from L saying she can't make Thursday due to a dentist procedure.  <<grumble>>

The only good thing is that I can go to my friend's graduation Thursday instead.  I got the invite today.  Glad she put her address on the back of the envelope since her name is not inside and I would have been wondering.

I've been keeping tight track of my finances this year.  I was really surprised to find my account $500 less than I thought it was suppose to be.  A few weeks ago I became suspicious when I started to notice it, but I didn't get a chance to look at it.  I got my statement today so let the investigation begin.

Few More Thoughts

I do believe that L is commitment phobic.  When I've seen her pensive she has said nothing was on her mind that she was just staring at some object which I know she does.  So time will tell. 

Today was a good day at work with old and new people wanting to come in which is always good.  My Mom was accepted by Medicaid which was great, but it came with even MORE paperwork.  No wonder government moves so slow.  Their is a mountain of paperwork for everything. 

I was invited to a seminar tonight about what I'm not quite sure since I accidentally through the paper out with the information.  One of my network people invited me after reading my weekly motivation email and said I would enjoy it.  So I will see.  I'm not above walking out if it sucks. 

Just a Word

A few people have contacted me with some concern about my thoughts with L.  They are just feelings that I must voice lest they cause problems.  I have no healthy standard to look at relationship wise.  My parents divorced when I was 18 months old, the brother I am in contact with is on his third marriage, and none of my past relationships were healthy.  So I'm still meandering my way through it all.  I hope L and I keep going strong and I'm not looking to bail.  However in moving everything around the house I saw that the pic I gave her of us for Easter is no where to be seen and I do know that she still goes on Match.  While I do remember my old marriage counselor saying that their are no guarantees in life.  I do get comfort from knowing certain things are in place. 

Spidey

Went to see Spiderman 3 today and I enjoyed it.  Can't believe it was almost 3 years since I saw #2.  I remember it vividly since I saw it after I dropped Eric & my ex off at the airport the day they left.  I just wanted something to occupy my mind and it did the trick.  One day I'll see it again so I can remember more of it.

Anxious with money.  Waiting for insurance money to come in and after a week of nothing I start getting nervous.  Especially since I know I don't have enough in savings for this month.  So money needs to start coming in plus the new patients need to keep coming in so I can get to the numbers I need to pay for everything.

My Day With L

We'll L and I went out furniture shopping yesterday.  First we stopped to grab some Greek food for lunch.  I was going to pay for lunch since I knew L was paying for dinner since it was her term, but she came flying over making sure I knew it was her day to pay.  It wa pretty funny.

We checked out a lot of places for a futon for her with many strange characters working at them.  It was nice to be able to separate and come back inside the store without problems.  I'm use to being joined at the hip with my ex.  Anyway we finally found a futon frame at Goodwill for $35 so we packed it up and off we went.  Once back at her place we moved furniture around to help her get her place closer to being settled in. 

It's funny, but still true.  We are attracted to what we lack inside ourselves.  L is a very passionate person while I am very laid back.  Her passion comes out in everything she does.  I got a little nervous yesterday when she got very frustrated when we moving stuff around.  I'm very use to being the venting place of such frustration.  However that was all she was just feeling it.  She never lashed out at me or anything which calmed me down.  The gibbering monkey was happy with his banana. 

I know shopping takes a lot out of L.  I think she just gets to tense with it all.  It's probably why she can't understand why I'm happy to go with her.  This is my area of being a zen master.  Just enjoying my time with her.  So L had a good idea and we decided to stay in last night.  We were going to go out and grab a video and take out Chinese.  However when we got up it was pouring and L was still tired.  So we ordered in and watched some Coupling episodes I had with me.  It was a nice domestic day. 

I know I have been accused of over thinking things, but I feel I am overlooking something.  I feel something is going on in L's mind, but I don't know what it is.  Not saying it is good or bad.  I just know something is brewing.

A Whole Lot of Hoopla

Fear entered my brain last night thinking about L.  It finally hit me that it is going to hurt if L and I ever break up.  The gibbering monkey part of my brain wanted to run, but I threw it a banana and it calmed down.  It's just different this time being in a relationship and making conscious decisions along the way instead of letting myself be carried away by emotions.

Oh I am loving the weekend this week.  Sleeping in late and relaxing.  It was a rough week of just doing so much stuff, but I have to say I am prepared for everything and keeping on top of everything.  That is something I'm grateful for.  Having run a multi million dollar company has taught me many things in business that allows me to do it all, but I do know that one day in the future I will need to hire someone. 

Eric was very happy not to get any shots this time with his yearly physical.  He is 52 inches high and weighs 72 lbs.  The doctor asked if he could drop 4 lbs.  We talked about being more active when he is home from school since I know he watched way to much TV then.

Well L re decided about going to look around for furniture.  So that will be fun to go shopping with her.  I know she hates it and wonders why I enjoy it, but I just enjoy being with her. 

Last Minute Drama

What I really should have been listening to is the Mission Impossible (TV) theme song.  My Mom's Medicaid application ends the 7th and I needed her checking account with the last check cleared.  Well it finally cleared today.  So it was getting my brother to get them to fax me a copy.  I have to admit it all went pretty smooth, but the worry was if it didn't clear today.  So that should be it.  It was the last thing on a very long list of stuff to be done.  Something I am very happy to have done.  I think I need a Starbucks to celebrate.

TGIF!

I'm beat.  Meetings, one on ones, networking events, wheeling and dealing has tuckered me out.  It's sort of paying off now and I see it doing more so in the future.  Like anything when you first start up it's a lot of work.  I'm seeing what works and what doesn't and will drop the duds. 

Today I start offering Juice Plus in the office to my patients.  I like the stuff since I may be good with my veggies, but I would have to be lotto lucky to get my daily requirements for fruits in a month's time.  Since that is all it is is fruit and vegetables ground up and capsulated it made perfect sense to me.  They didn't need to hit me with all the studies on its effectiveness on health issues.  So now I am practicing how to work it in with everything.

L is able to read me I see.  She knew I was sad last night.  Nothing major, but residuals from the weekend.  Like many have said she said it would be abnormal not to be sad.  We had a nice evening and great food.  Havana's where we went to eat gave us one of out appetizers free since they didn't have enough mussels for it.  Boy was it good.  Then the HK bartender was having a problem with her cash register so she gave us a discount on our drinks last night.  So since it was my turn to pay I was pretty happy with it all. 

Getting better in the groove with every time we get together it doesn't have to be all bells and whistles.  Something I know, but really am putting into practice now.  I was really good seeing her after not seeing her for a week. 

Bittersweet

I've had a low level sorrow following me around since I picked up Eric Friday.  The feelings that I pushed down over the years of separation are bubbling up.  Nothing strong, but it a level of discomfort that is bothering me.  I hate emotional pain and discomfort.  I made it a lifestyle of avoiding it growing up and I'm still not a fan of it now.  I find it needling me everyday now.  So I know I am not talking about it enough.  I have no regrets about how things have turned out, but the sad fact is that I miss my son and am missing him grow up.  They are just feelings and I just need to feel them to get through them.

So This is Work?

Boy it was a day filled with meetings.  Only one patient, but I got three new ones so it was worth it.  I was surprised to find out many people didn't do any looking around before joining a BNI group.  Hey it's a good chunk of change and I look before I open my wallet.  I was cautious when I first started my research into it, but I think it will work out well for me.  It already has.  I could have went to one more function today, but I was beat and I still have work to do on everything I did today. 

It was nice to talk to L tonight and to hear her voice was a nice treat at the end of a long day.  What is ironic I found out is that L finds the sounds of joints cracking extremely gross.  LOL and she's with a chiropractor.