Rich Man Poor Man

I had a good reminder last night at my second job.  I said hello to my boss asking him how his holiday was.  He replied it was miserable as was everything else.  What a miserable rich SOB I thought.  It reminded me of my life.  Years ago I had a very lucrative job administrating a medical clinic in the South Bronx.  I made it a very successful business. However for all my success I was incredibly miserable.  The worse in my life.  I was actually homicidal and suicidal for about a year and a half.  At a point in my life where I was financially successful, but spiritually bankrupt.  Now here I am in the completely opposite place.  Minimal money, a struggling business, and a small place to live.  However I am very happy in my life.  About the best in my life.  Since I don't have much I have learned to enjoy all the little things that life has to offer.  Even though I don't have many friends close in the area all of them are the best I could ask for.  They have helped me when they could and have made me swear that if I couldn't buy food that I would tell them.  I have always had a place to sleep when I though I would be sleeping in my car.  So here I am 5 years later financially poor, but spiritually rich and I am happy that way.

Cuz He's Got Personality .... Rock .... Personality ...

Getting back in the dating game after 16 years has been fun and I have many nice people and learned new things about myself.  The weirdest has been that I am a Type A personality.  Who knew?  I always thought A was bad and since I didn't get angry or was a hot head I was B.  However after swallowing a lot of anger during my life (glad to not do that anymore) I still thought I was a B.  Then I started dating.  A woman I had been dating for several weeks ended it between us.  Her reason was that it took her at least 20 minutes to calm down after being with me.  We had done the beach, coffee, dinners, movies.  Nothing adrenaline packed.  I thought it was just a weird blow off.  Another woman that we hit off very well finally broke it off with me saying that she was just exhausted after being with me.  Again nothing super exciting and she was a very fit woman.  I was depressed.  Women that I liked were pushing me away.  That old tape or not being lovable started to play again in the back of my head.  Never the one to just sit back.  I emailed some questions to this woman.  The response was nice and surprising.  She said nothing was wrong with me just that I was a Type A personality like her and it was like oil and fire for her.  So with this revelation I asked my friends whether I was a A or B.  Most laughed at me and said definitely an A.  They said I was a driven persistent guy with a lot of energy.  It was all positive they said.  So I find myself in uncharted territories.  A confirmed Type A personality's looking for I don't know what now.  I guess some more experimenting.

A Reminder on this Journey

I was reading one of my daily reader books, 200 Ways to Raise a Boy's Emotional Intelligence, this morning.  A section I have read many times before, but today it made some pieces fit together better.  It was a passage about as boys enter puberty and sexual feelings come up.  That sex is usually not discussed except with your equally confused friends.  The message comes that strong feelings are pushed into a closet somewhere.  "The long term effects being that sex and emotions can get tied up together in a confused, distorted, and shame filled package that results in men whose only avenue to emotions at all is through sex."  I can fully relate to this.  It is what started me on this spiritual journey 5 years ago.  I was always a physical person and stoic to the bone.  When I stopped relating to everyone physically I felt like a person with no arms trying to give a hug.  What the hell do I do?  God I use to feel so impotent with people.  So I asked people, watched others, read, and used my imagination for more than just flights of fantasy.  I've made leaps and bounds in improvement, but the snares are still there.  I always watch out for them.  However I still like the thrill of the ride (see Walk on the Wild Side).

Goop Melange

Well I finished another marathon day in the car (VA. Beach - NY - VA. Beach) in about 14 hours.  My butt is numb as is my mind from staring at the road for hours without end.  I hope this will all make sense since I'll put a few things together under this one heading.

THE FEELING OF UHHHHHH

That was the feeling I felt after dropping my son off today.  The sadness is pretty oppressive for a while so the numbness of the road has its benefits also.  The pain is increased by the great time we had.  First grade has really shaped my son well.  However I do kick my ass today for my last mistake I made before my ex and I separated and that was allowing her to leave the state with him.  It was my last placating act and it was a doozy.  Having talked to countless people having gone through this I can see the larger picture that I didn't see then.  Hindsight is always 20/20.  So I do the best I can for my son with the cards that have been dealt.

#3 on the List

From my last entry #3 really isn't my thing except that now you double #1.  However I have seen the flip side of it with an old friend that was so over-joyed to see any two women do anything together ie. hair brushing that it was hilarious. 

?????????????????

I guess that is it.  I think.  My brain is empty so it has to be.  Well good night all.

Lesbian Spank Inferno

Well if you know that title you then know my favorite episode of Couplings.  Since my son is asleep sick and I will be again in the car all day long tommorow I figured I might as well triple dip here today. 

The Four Pillars of the Male Heterosexual Psyche are:

1)     Naked Women

2)     Garters

3)     Lesbians

4)     Sean Connery as the definitive James Bond

Now I know all the men out there are doing a victory dance when they hear this list.  I know I do and all the women are ??????????????  You are probably wondering where this insane ranting are going.  Well I am tired and reading a lot of journals.  However I was reading one with PMS explained for men.  I remember a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.  I was driving my girl friend and her best friend home.  They were trying to figure out if this guy liked my girl friend's best friend.  They ran all over the place with it.  At least 20 minutes later I asked, "why don't you just ask a guy what is going on?"  I was in the car also.  Like Buerger in "Sex in the City" said decisively, "he's just not into you."  If you ever want the fast low down on a guy ask one ladies.  We are very simple creatures just that are codes are very different from yours and no amount of books will ever make you understand it.  Look at the list up above and tell me you understand it.  I know every person with a "Y" chromosome does.  Thanks for letting me share.  Let me start before I really get crazy.

The Two Women in My Life

The two women in my life right now I am sad to say are my Mom and my ex.  Both are driving me nuts over this visit with my son.  My Mom in her infinite indirectness keeps calling me to talk to her grandson, but never states this in all her left messages.  The car, the trip, gas, how am I feeling?  Just spit it out and say what you mean!  My ex on the other hand is doing everything in her power to have no contact with me.  I am very happy with that, but I don't want our son being the messenger boy between us.  I did it with my parents.  It was NOT fun.  The other one is the daily phone calls to see how he is doing.  I know it is very hard to suddenly not talk to your child, but I know I am still sore over last years fiasco.  Just getting it off my chest.

Happy Birthday

Well today was my 39th birthday.  I can't believe I am 39.  Not that it is a bad number just I haven't been able to remember my age since 21.  So here I am 18 years later.  A hell of a lot smarter (got the bumps on my head to prove it).  Everything else breaks even. 

I was grateful to spend it with my son.  We got very physical today.  Wrestling is getting harder as he gets older.  Playing soccer and with light sabers in the yard was great.  Something I have missed at the end of the day.  Having my son with me today has been the greatest present I could have asked for.

A Father's Perspective

It affects my son and myself differently in seeing each other again after a few months of physical separation.  For me it the return of day in day our interaction with my son.  Something I was very use to for the first 5 years of his life.  Now with large periods of time between seeing each other.  It takes me time to readjust back to full time father status.  No complaints just realigning my life for this short period of change.  For him I see the struggle of being the younger child he was when we were a family and the child he has become.  My worries for him are is anger in which I am grateful he shows it, but then he pulls back from everyone which worries me.  I swallowed a lot of anger over my lifetime to my detriment.  I wish to spare him that pain.  The other is this "fake" hurt to get attention.  Something my ex does and I know will be hard to deal with.  Besides these I am a very proud father.  My son has many great qualities that make me so happy with pride when he shows them. 

#$%@@&*% Journal !

I want to thank everyone for leaving comments.  Once my freakin' journal allows me to read them I will enjoy them.

The Cub has Rejoined the Lion and all is Right in the Jungle

Having my son for the holidays is really great and something I am really thankful for.  Last year due to my ex I didn't have any contact with my son Halloween, Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas, and New Years.  So this is a special time for me.  To see how he has grown.  All of the baby is now gone leaving a lean kid.  To see how much he has learned and what he can do.  Phone calls and letters can only do so much.  One of my quirks is that people's scents can make me relaxed or not.  So it is nice to sit and have me son now read to me at night.  To smell his hair and know my son is with me.

Hello to Everyone

I really want to thank everyone that has visited and actually read my journal.  You can leave comments or email me direct at mikev009@aol.com.  I can't believe how much fun this is and WOW I have archives now.  Cool.

A Moment of Weakness

I rent a room in a big house with many other single parents.  Little children run amok amongst are coming and goings.  While our landlord makes sure that we are fed and helps out with the kids.  It is a nice situation and I am thankful for the experience.  Recently one of the mothers and her 2 daughters moved out.  We never got to say goodbye to the kids.  I was sad.  My landlord, who I believe was sad, turned to me and said well it was probably for the best since he might of had "a moment of weakness".  Their it was one of the core beliefs of male society.  "Never let them see you sweat" has been my mantra for most of my life.  You believe this paradigm will make you a man, but all it does is isolate you form yourself and the world around you.  I looked at my landlord and saw so many of the things I try to avoid my son believing.  All the things I read and do to prevent this.  However in my moments of fantasy I picture myself as that independent and strong male hero (whatever that means?) fighting off the evils of the world.  All to make me more desirable.  Maybe thousands of years ago it worked for Ogg the caveman when he clobbered a Saber tooth tiger brought it back to the cave and the cave woman swooned, but in today's world I think it is outdated.  However the belief is still their.  It has been in everything I have read, watched, and heard as a child to an adult.  Most people are very appreciative of my emotional expressiveness for a guy.  However that food pellet isn't enough of a reward to change what has been soaked down into my DNA.  Men aren't suppose to have a moment of weakness.

Just Part of the Pack

Here's my filled out questionnaire such as it is.

1. What sign are you?  Sagittarius

2. What is your favorite color? Blue

3. How many waffles could you eat in one sitting? 2

4. Can you touch your toungue to your nose? Nope..

5. If you had to choose between cats and dogs, which would it be? dogs of course

6. What is something you have learned recently? I don't have bend over backwards for people to like me

7. What is your favorite quote? "Why are you focusing on my problems?"  ~ Therapist Head in Jar

 

8. What is your favorite entry in your own journal? Too early to tell

9. What color is your bedroom? Jeez I don't know. I think it is off white.

10. Where is your favorite place to visit? Cancun

11. What is one thing you want to accomplish this year? get my business up and going

12. Why do you write in a journal? because my mind is a dangerous place so I am letting in some light

13. What is your favorite joke? can't say here but it has to do with a Native American father and his son

14. Do you like the city or thecountry? something in between

15. What style is your house decorated? not my house

16. Who is your favorite artist? music wise? Alfonse Muccha, Music I couldn't even choose it's all about my moods, but it would be in the classic rock world

17. Can you pat your tummy and rub your head at the same time? yes and I can also sit up and beg

18. Are you a night owl? yes

19. What is something you love in your house?  my figures

20. Do you believe in God? yes

21. What hobby could you never give up? gaming

22. What color makes you think of Hope? blue

23. What color makes you think of Love? red

24. What is your favorite flower? roses

25. If you had one wish for the world, what would it be? Stop fighting, appreciate life for all its worth and life is short.

26. What's the best surprise you have ever received?  I crafts picture my 4 year old made for me.  I cried.

27. What can you cook like no-one else? Schezuan Eggplant & Tofu

28. What do you think about most? whew! My mind is a busy place

29. Who is your favorite poet? Don't have one

30. And last but not least, if you could wrap yourself up in one word...what would that word be? Love

 

CDC WARNING

As the Avian flu is spreading slowly into the US I recieved this warning from the CDC in my office today.  So if any of your dinner guest start showing the following signs they should be rushed to the hospital immediately.

 

Subject: Symptoms of the BIRD FLU...
 
The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu.  If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:
 
1.  High fever
2.  Congestion
3.  Nausea
4.  Fatigue
5.  Aching in the joints
6.  An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield.

 

 

I will be with my son this holiday which I am extremely thankful for.  Due to this I will be taken a slight break from my journal. Enjoy the holiday everyone.

~ Mike

A Wretched Place of Scum & Villiany

"No where else will you find a more wretched place of scum and villiany." ~ Obi Won Kenobi

Yes I am talking about the DMV.  Never my favorite place to go.  Always feels like the refuse of society is there at the same time I am.  Well I was pleasantly surprised today.  Maybe I am use to NY or the holiday spirit has influenced everyone, but it was a pleasant experience.  My wait was short, the place was relatively quiet, it was clean and well lit.  Most of all the people I had to deal with were pleasant. Whoa!  I didn't know that was part of the job description.  So in this time of thanks I thanks my local DMV for giving me a new outlook on them.

Ode to a Bookshelf

Talking to a new friend today.  She had stated that bookshelves were one of her favorite gadgets.  I thought this was great.  Okay I am easily excited, but I usually have at least 4 bookshelves in my place to accommodate all my books, CDs, and Tapes {my records are gone now :( }.  At this moment in my life I have the least amount of book shelves in my place and that is two.  The reason is that most of my stuff is in storage and the other is that I unloaded a lot of stuff with all my moves to smaller places.  Thinking about it I no longer have my handmade ones to hold all my stuff.  Press board ones just can't take the weight.  Thanks JaxKat for pointing out one of life's missed gratuities.

Doing the Right Thing

A friend brought up this today while talking.  It spoke to me.  As I have grown spiritually over the years I have found that I usually know what the right thing is.  The problem is that sometimes like a little kid I don't care about the consequences. I WANT, I WANT, I WANT.  Now a days I try never to shoot from the hip.  I run most things past at least one person in my support system.  If I don't want to I have a clue in the direction I am going.  Also their is the feeling of low level anxiety with a known wrong thing.  Not the clean serene feeling that comes with doing the right thing.

The Many Facets of Gifts

Over the last few days I have received many gifts.  All very timely.  They have been in the form of changing relationships.  At points where I have been low. 

A woman that I like and we are friendly, but rarely get to communicate, have been able to connect better when I realized we could IM each other.   A few kind words to each other a day does wonders for the soul. 

I met another woman when I was looking for trouble.  Her comments of what a "good person I was' brought me out of my self destructive funk and a bond of friendship was formed. 

This last gift comes with a silver lining I think.  This woman I have known for a few weeks now and a weird relationship has formed.  While good in some areas it is fueling my self destructive nature, but I have been unable to break the cycle.  The only thing stopping from making it worse has been her complete unavailability.  I commented on this and our future and got a rude awakening.  I never got an clear answer of our future, but I believe she wants it over.  I am sad.  More troubled with her sadness and feelings.  However deep in me knows that this relationship while fun will not be a healthy one.

Back in Business

Finally after many days of trial and error I recieved word from another blogger on how to fix the problem.  I do thank you.  We now return to my life already in progress.

I Just Want to be Me

A long time ago I lost my self.  It was a bad choice in a bad relationship.  So over the last 5 years I have been working on putting myself back together again.   It has been like a 10,000 piece jigsaw puzzle.  Sometimes it's one piece.  Other times I can put a nice little section together.  I had done a lot of the work on my own, but reached a point where I couldn't do anymore by myself.
So I began dating a few months back.  The different women I have gone out with have each helped me find a piece of me.  Some more than others.  The woman I am seeing now has really helped with my wild playful side that I have not seen in a long time.  With this piece I feel more confident and more like my old self.  I feel I have awoken from a dream.  I'm happy to me today.

Man it's slow

Just watching the grass grow.  I own my own business and it's so slow now.  I look at the calender and I see the first half of the month is almost finished.  I am marketing, but still no increase in business.  I've planted a lot of seeds just waiting for some of them to take sprout.  I've gone through this before, but I never like it.  Money tight, late payments.  I hate it.  However I can't get caught up in the fear trap.  Then I will be imobilized and unable to do anything.  To stop is to die.  Movement is life.  So I will trudge on doing my part and leave the outcome to a higher power.

Taking a Walk on the Wild Side

Over the past week and a half I've been chatting with a new woman friend online.  We've never met, but have chatted during our free time.  We covered all the topics of gettiing to know each other.  I was doing it for a freindship.  However over time and a lot of fun I've become attracted to her.  I remember the line from "When Harry Met Sally".  Men and women can't be friends because the sex will always come up.  I've had a lot of women friends over the years and they have been a great connection in my life.  The sex thing has always come up in my head, but I've always pushed it off.  However looking back I was always involved with someone during the time.  This time I am free and looking. 

Anyway over the last few days our flirtinig level has gone up.  Till today we are talking about sex.  I am far from a prude, but the half of my brain that still had blood in it knows it is not the smartest thing to do.  A woman I have never met and we are connecting sexually.  From past experience I know once this happens it is so hard to correct the relationship to something more meaningful.

I learned that from going out with this woman who I will label a seductress.  The relationship was like a porno movie except we wore underwear.  We never went out, we never talked, we just had sex.  It was great until I realized that was all there was.  The relationship had no where to grow.  It changed me a lot.  I was never a casual dater, but this really dropped it out of my vocabulary. 

So my walk on the wild side today to most will seem harmless, but it is against my true desires.  So I wonder will I pick up where I left next time.