Happy New Years

Since it is New Years and I hope most of you wil be getting lucky tonight.  I figured I'd help with a few suggestions on what not to say to spoil the mood.

125 Things Never To Say During Sex

1)is it in?
2)that's it?
3)you've got to be kidding me.
4)(phone rings) hello? oh nothing and you?
5)do i have to pay for this?
6)do i have to call you tomorrow?
7)oh momma, momma!
8)oh dadda, dadda!
9)you look better in the dark.
10)this is much better than my last girl/boyfriend.
11)i thought that goes in the other hole....
12)don't tell my husband/wife.
13)you have the same bra my mom does (worse if the girl says it).
14)this sucks.
15)can you finish now? i have a meeting...
16)i hope you don't expect a raise for this...
17)i think you might get the job for this.
18)damn! is that all you know what to do.
19)did i tell you, i have herpes?
20)now we must get married.
21) hurry up, the games about to start.
22)i'm hungry.
23)i'm thirsty.
24)zzzzzzzzzzzz.
25)are you trying to be funny?
26)can i have a ride home after this?
27)are those real?
28)by the way, i want to break up.
29)is that smell coming from you?
30)haven't you ever done this before?
31)wow!! i've never seen those before (then grope wildly).
32)do you know what some female spiders do after sex?
33)you're so much like your sister....
34)your mom's cute.
35)what's your name again?
36)do i have to be here in the morning?
37)a second time? i barely stayed awake the first time!
38)but you just started!!
39)you're about as good as a 9 year old, and i should know!!
40)don't touch that!!
41)can we order a pizza?
42)i think my dad is listening at the door.
43)smile for the camera, honey!!!
44)take off that damn monkey glove!!
45)get your hand out of there!!
46)i think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.
47)i knew you wore a padded bra!!
48)cover me boys, i'm going in!!!
49)DIVE! DIVE! DIVE!
50)Fire one!
51)God, that is small!!
52)hold on, let me change the channel...
53)who smells like fish?
54)is it o.k. if my mom (and/or dad) joins in?
55)your best-friend does it much better.
56)hope you don't mind i left my boots on.
57)hurry up, the motor's runnin'.
58)you're fogging up the wind-shield.
59)can i borrow 5 bucks?
60)what the hell noise was that?!
61)stop moaning, you sound so stupid.
62)shut up, bitch! (worse if the girl says it)
63)you know, you're not really attractive.
64)i'm sorry, i was not listening.
65)what, oh yea, i love you too, now let me concentrate!!
66)stop interrupting me!!
67)i have to go to the bathroom.
68)did i leave the iron on?
69)your breath is funky.
70)(start singing Green Day).
71)is it o.k. if i call someone, its o.k. though, keep going....
72)its ok honey, i can imagine that its bigger.
73)god i wish you were a real woman.
74)why can't you ever shave your legs?
75)by the way, when i drove over here, i ran over your dog....
76)oh Susan, susan... i mean donna.... shit.
77)your breast milk is like my mom's....
78)you're hairy!!
79)your "happy trail" led me to a dead end.
80)is it o.k. if i never see you again?
81)did i forget to tell you i got worms from my cat?
82)don't make that face at me!
83)all of a sudden i have a headache.
84)you're boring.
85)i like your tits.
86)suck my dick, bitch.
87)how much do i owe you?
88)How come we each have a penis?
89)of course you can't be on top, you're too fat, you'll kill me!
90)your ass is hairy (the guy says this).
91)just use your finger, its bigger.
92)does your family have to watch?
93)no problem, we'll try again later when you can satisfy me too.
94)get off me, i'll do it myself!!!!
95)can you hold this sandwich for me?
96)you're as soft as a sheep, inside and out.
97)the only reason i'm doing this is because i'm drunk.
98)my mom taught me this.....
99)how cute... peach fuzz!
100)Damn girl! my tits are bigger than yours!
101)should i ask why you're bleeding?
102)this is my pet rat, larry....
103)if you can't do it, i'll find someone else who can!
104)i haven't had this much sex since i was a hooker!
105)i was once a woman...
106)wanna see me take out my glass eye?
107)no i don't love your mind, i can't grab that!!
108)is it o.k. if i tell my friends about this?
109)i'm sobering up and you're getting ugly!
110)you wanted me to use a condom?
111)you're no better than my brother!!
112)mooooo!!
113)Fire in the hole!!!
114)i wanna see how many quarters i can fit in there.
115)hurry up, i'm late for a date.
116)o.k. start...oh! that feels so... YOU'RE DONE??!!
117)you ever see basic instinct?
118)i'm out of condoms, can i use a sock?
119)don't squirm, you'll spill my beer.
120)Did i tell you where my cold sore came from?
121)you got boogies showing.
122)(start reciting the 10 commandments).
123)i think i just went to the bathroom on your bed.
124)of course i don't love you.
125)let me spell it out for you, b-r-e-a-t-h m-i-n-t.

I've Been Tagged

Okay I was tagged by Marina.  (Have to get her for it)

The rules are list 5 weird habits about yourself then tag 5 others, and leave them a comment so they know they have been tagged.  

1)    I eat pasta for breakfast and have done so for over 20 years now.

2)    I never use the toilet seat (like the rim) to my Mom's utter disapproval.  I think it was my toddler was of saying f*ck you!

3)    I NEVER make my bed.  There are only 2 times when it will be made.  I just washed everything or your damn special to me.

4)    I love 1 piece of Red Vine licorice after dinner.  Just completes the meal.

5)    I make sure that the people I care about know how I feel about them when we part (good byes, good night, etc.).  Fear that one of us maybe dead soon and that I never got to say how I felt.

 

(j/j) Okay my turn to Tag some people.  I tag:

Dawn (Here I Go Again)

Sara (Sweet & Twisted)

Mis (My Own Madness)

Amy (Sugar & Spice & Everything Nice)

Tina (Ride Along With Me)

Why Old People Shouldn't Drive

While reading the paper I came across this article.  I cut it out then lost it.  Well I just found it again and I have to say it's now one of the oddest things I have read.  Here it is for your reading pleasure.

At 10 p.m. on Oct. 19, Ralph Parker, 93, in his Chevy Malibu, eased up to a tollbooth on Interstate 275 in St. Petersburg, Fl., inattentive to the fact that there was a dead body lodged in his windshield (the result of a collision about 3 mile away).  According to police, Parker was off by 10 miles when asked where he was and by two months on the date, and he thought the body had just fallen from the sky.  His license had been renewed, the previous year, through his 99th birthday. 

All you people in Florida beware.

Where All the Dicks Hang Out

 

Well it seems to me that too many of you women have too much time on your hands and are spending it in the men's room.  Well do you know the characters that frequent the urinals. 

 

Mr. Proud ~ he's very comfortable with his equipment and is happy to share with the public at large.  He'll stand about a foot back and take aim.  Not a good idea to be standing next to him.  He may have one hand on the wall to stabilize himself due to balance problems.  

The Heavy Breather ~ you got to wonder what the hell this guy is doing.  You would think he is running the NY marathon instead of pissing by the sounds he's making.  Hey buddy if your jerking off go in a stall if not see a doctor.  

The Humper ~ this guy is the opposite of Mr. Proud or homo phobic.  He's got his whole body stuffed into the urinal.  Don't worry pal no one wants to see your stuff anyway.  

The Looker ~ he keeps checking to make sure he's still pissing every 5 seconds.  My 6 year old knows when he is finished.  I don't know what his problem is.  Probably told by his Mom that his dick would fall off if he kept jerking off and he is still waiting for it to happen.  

The Joker ~ the ultimate rule breaker.  He comes in making jokes and banging into you while your pissing.  It's sink or swim for him.  Those jokes better be DAMN funny or else.

Flashbacks

A hardy well done to the new McDonald's radio ad.  I LMFAO.  Most likely because I can relate like most of the guys out there. 

They ad goes like this:

           We never talk anymore.....

    What would you like to talk about?

             I don't know.  What ever you would like.

      Well McDonald's has a new chicken sandwich...

           I want to have a baby!

     I hear it has all white meat.

Oooo I can feel the goose bumps.

Urinal Etiquette

(Well since I don't think any guys read this.  I'll let all you women see into the male psyche as he enters the men's bathroom.  If you need any help ask your husband or boyfriends)

Men should ace this test ... women may have a little difficulty. There *is* a code of "Restroom Etiquette" that MUST be followed.

================================================
The following is the urinal configuration in a sample men's room.
An X above the number will indicate "in use."
(Sample):

|    |    | x |    |    | x |

| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | (Indicates that urinal 3 and 6 are occupied.)

-------------------------
You are to identify correctly, based on urinal etiquette, at which stall you are to correctly stand. Good luck!

-------------------------
Easy Section
-------------------------
1.)
|    | x |    | x |    |    | (Urinals 2 & 4 occupied.)

| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |

-------------------------
Your choice: ___
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answer: 6
It's the ONLY one to go to and every guy instinctively knows this.
================================================
2.)
| x |    |    |    |    |    | (Urinal 1 occupied.)

| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |

-------------------------
Your choice: ___
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answer: 6
Stall 5 is acceptable, but you run a greater risk of being next to someone who arrives later.
================================================
-------------------------
Kind-of-Tricky Section:
-------------------------
3.)
|    |    |    |    |    |    | (empty)

| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |

-------------------------
Your choice: __
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answer: 1 or 6
You are tacitly saying, "I don't want anyone next to me."
================================================
4.)
|    | x |    | x |    | x | (2, 4 and 6 occupied)

| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |

-------------------------
Your choice: ___
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answer: 1
You're stuck being next to at least ONE guy, so you minimize the impact and get a wall on your left. NEVER go between TWO guys if you can help it. Exceptions to this are stadium restrooms where the herd thunders in.

================================================
-----------------------------------------------
Subtle, Tricky, But Important-to-Know Section
-----------------------------------------------
5.)
|    | x |    |    | x | x | (2, 5 and 6 occupied)

| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |

-------------------------
Your choice: __
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answer: 4
Believe it or not, 1 and 3 "couples you with the guy in stall 2. And we wouldn't want THAT now, would we? This differs from question 4 in such a subtle way that the nuances cannot be explained. Suffice to say, only we men would understand!

================================================
-------------------------
VERY-Tricky-Indeed Section
-------------------------
6.) | x | x |    |    | x | x | (1, 2, 5 & 6 occupied)

     | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |

-------------------------
Your choice: ___
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answer: NONE!
You go to the mirror and pretend to comb your hair or straighten a tie until the urinals "open up" a bit more. If you have to go REAL, REAL BAD--for God's sake, use a doored stall!
Other parts of the Unwritten Code of the Urinals:
-- NO Talking, unless it's a good friend... but even then, keep it terse and unemotional. This ain't no clubhouse.

-- I don't think I need to tell you, absolutely NO touching of anyone other than yourself. A touch of another's elbow is of the highest offence.

-- NO Singing. Period.

-- Glances are for purposes of acknowledgment only..."Yeah, I see you there. I will not look again."

{Thanks Pap for the article}

The Teach Yourself Guide to Answering Your Sweethearts Questions

(I found this and thought it was a hoot so I am sharing it with all of you.)

It is Saturday, a crisp spring afternoon, and you're exactly where you should be: stretched out on the couch in front of a televised sporting event, opening beer number two, relaxed in the knowledge that the pizza you ordered is even now on its way. Nothing could improve this moment, except maybe a bigger Television.

Suddenly your girlfriend enters the room and says, "Do I look fat?"

There is no answer to this question that won't be interpreted "yes". "No" means yes. "Yes" means yes. "I don't know" means yes. "It doesn't matter" means yes.

The briefest hint of a pause before speaking means yes, yes, yes. Most of us would rather take our degrees again than field this one, yet it may well come up several times a week. Your only real choice is to say no, clearly and immediately, leaving no possibility for any subtext, and making it sound like a widely acknowledged fact and not simply your opinion. This doesn't work, but all the other options are worse.

There are several other questions for which "no" is the only answer, and several more that call for an emphatic and unqualified yes. In all of these cases, elaboration, justification or any attempt to be funny is unlikely to pay off.

Consult this handy chart:

JUST SAY NO
Is there someone else?
Do you still fantasize about her?
Are you tired of me?

JUST SAY YES
Do you still love me?
Do you ever fantasize about me?
Do you like my hair this way?

Unfortunately, many female inquiries require more than a simple yes or no response. Some of them are more like riddles. Such as this one: "Which shoes look better?"

This raises the question of why she's asking you at all. She knows you don't know which shoes look better, and she knows you don't care, so why is she trying to elicit your opinion? This is part of an ongoing campaign to domesticate you. Suggest that she try on the other shoes, then tell her the first ones look better. This lets you more or less off the hook, as long as you don't raise a fuss when she decides that the second pair are better after all.
On no account suggest another dress. You might as well say, "You're fat."

"Where do you see this relationship going?"

This could be described as an essay question, since you're obviously not going to get away with snappy little answers such as "forward" or "upstairs" or "I dunno". She wants a heartfelt expression of your feelings and an honest assessment of your future together, and you want an easier question. There is certainly no point in answering a toe-curling query like this one without at least a rough idea of precisely what it is she wants to hear. Questions such as this one are a category unto themselves, i.e. questions that should be answered with another question. See how easily some of the more difficult leading inquiries can be parried through the simple deployment of reflexive interrogation.

HER: "Where do you see this relationship going?"
YOU: "Where do you see this relationship going?"

HER: "Do you think she's attractive?"
YOU: "Who?"

HER: "Will you marry me?"
YOU: "Where am I?"

HER: "What if I were pregnant?"
YOU: "Are you pregnant?"
HER: "Why? Do I look fat?"

Whoops! We're in a bit of trouble here. You should have seen that coming. Try a more surreal approach:

HER: What if I were pregnant?
YOU: What if I were pregnant?

At the very least it gives you time to think up a better answer. Some all-purpose question-answers include: How much is a lot? Why do you ask? Should I be? What are you saying? Does it matter? What's love gotta do with it? Are you talking to me? (Note: Are you having your period? is not one of these.)

Let's try a math question.

"How many people have you slept with?"

Hmmmmm....Now, you can tell her the truth, unless the truth is more than 12, or you can have a guess at the number she's more or less expecting. If the result is greater than 12, then say 12. Let's move on.

"Are you saying you want to end it?"

Women, like lawyers, rarely ask a direct question, unless they already know what the answer will be. As for women lawyers, I don't know what they do, and I'm pretty sure I don't want to know. The point is, when a woman asks you this question, she knows you're going to say no. Even if you want to say yes, you'll say no. You can't turn the question back on her, because you have no idea what her answer is going to be. If you are trying to break up with her, you'll have to say no and start the whole painful process again. If you aren't trying to break up with her, then it's best to change the subject. Let's try something easier.

"Notice anything different about me?"

Well, slightly easier. Apart from being a question that is easier to answer wrong than right, it is best treated in an ironic post-modern context;

HER: "Notice anything different about me?"
YOU: "New apron?"

HER: "Have you forgotten what today is?"
YOU: "Of course not. It's Thursday"

HER: "Have you been listening to a word I've said?"
YOU: "That's nice, dear..."

Funny, huh? Well, it's not your fault if she doesn't get it. If she wants a better answer, she's going to have to start asking better questions.

Questions such as:

"Have you taken a look at yourself lately?"

This question and its cousin, the almost always uncalled for "Who do you think you are?", are ways of gently reminding you how much of a factor pity was in her original decision to go out with you, and how that decision could be rescinded if you behave in any way that cannot be described as abject. You probably brought this rebuke on yourself by mentioning that you reckon Brad Pittis getting a little chubby or by speculating that Jack Nicholson doesn't have to wait until his birthday for oral sex. You're not really supposed to answer either of these questions. You're just supposed to apologise for your wanton Self-esteem-having. Instead of apologising, just smile. Your manifold inadequacies as a boyfriend - nay, as a man - are a kind of revenge all by themselves. Next!

"Do you believe in fidelity?"

Like most philosophical questions that seem to pop up out of the blue, this question doesn't pop up out of the blue. This general query about fidelity is in fact a coded inquiry about the extent of your fidelity on a specific occasion or occasions. Your response will also have to be coded.

Consult this translation chart before giving your answer:

1.
YOU SAY - "Yes"
YOU MEAN - How much does she know?
SHE THINKS - He's hiding something

2.
YOU SAY - "It depends"
YOU MEAN - How much does she know?
SHE THINKS - I knew it!

3.
YOU SAY - "Why do you ask?"
YOU MEAN - How much does she know?
SHE THINKS - Bastard!

4.
YOU SAY - "I dunno. Do you?"
YOU MEAN - How much does she know?
SHE THINKS - How much does he know?

By the time she asks you this question, you're already in deep trouble. It doesn't really matter what you say, as long as you don't blush when you an answer.

Let's look at an example that calls for more straightforward lying. "What are you looking at?"

She means, "You were looking at that girl, weren't you?" And you thought you'd perfected that trick of keeping your neck still and just letting your eyes swivel. Obviously, the truth is not the best answer here. We all know that the truth can set you free, sometimes before you've found somewhere else to stay.

It may seem easy enough to answer this question with a cunning lie, but when men are caught off-guard, their ability to deceive is impaired. Here are a few of the more common mistakes men make when asked, "What are you looking at?"

1. TOO SPECIFIC: "The rust around the bolts on the handle on the flap of that mailbox on the northwest corner".
2. NOT SPECIFIC ENOUGH: "That thing."
3. TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE: "A diamond necklace in that window back there that would be perfect on you".
4. TOO TRUE TO BE GOOD: "A see-through nightie in that window back there that would be perfect on you."
5. TOO OBVIOUS: "Nothing."
6. WAY TOO OBVIOUS: "That blonde babe over there with the big...I mean nothing."

Here's one that requires a little interpretation.

"Should I get my hair cut?"

If you say anything, then when she does get it cut (and let's face it, she's already made up her mind) and she hates it (and she will hate it), it will be your fault. Even if you say absolutely nothing, the best you can hope for is that she will come home with all her hair cut off, stare you straight in the eye and say:

"Does it make me look fat?" - You're on your own.

Perspective

I can't say my father was one of those old school dads.  Hard to say we never really interacted.  If we did it was usually negative or just "pass the cheese".  It was interesting that one day talking to a friend he was jealous of my relationship with my Dad.  I have to tell you my jaw dropped.  I had watched a lot of TV, been in a bunch of bars with my Dad, and had many emotionally traumatic episodes with my Dad.  So I really had to ask "what the f*ck are you talking about?"  When his parents divorced his dad just took off and was never seen again.  There it was in perspective.  My Dad for all his limitations had seen me every Sunday when we were seeing each other.  He may have never been able to cross the bridge and connect, but he did show up.  Traditionally men in our society are judged by what we do.  So he did.  Not running out to buy him a father of the year award, but it did change how I saw him.  I guess it is up to me now to raise the standard and bestow on my son what it means to be a Dad and a man.

Dealing with Life

"If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail."  ~ Abraham Maslow

For most of my life I lacked the tools for living.  I remember another journal's entry about how a traumatic incident triggered her depression.  I think mine started in the delivery room when I saw my parents.  Looking back I see that they are both social morons.  I wonder why my tool bag was empty?  Hey I got a hammer to change a light bulb. 

So my biggest tool was withdrawal for most of my life.  Situation to tough just withdraw emotionally.  Problem is that one day life is just too tough and their is no reason to put yourself out there.  So I became the usual male zombie.  I perform task, but I am not really there.  I am not quite sure when I turned the corner to being the opposite, but it was a rude awakening to look at videos from my son's first year of life.  I am there.  I am doing a lot. But it is a shell of a person moving and doing.  A walking talking robot.  The actual essence of me is not there. 

Now a days I use my natural talent to pick up things fast as I jump feet first into the pool of life.  Still trying to figure what works for me and who I am.  I'm treading water well and haven't gone under once.  So now it's time to start streamlining my motions and get the most I can out of the experience.

Game Playing

 

One of my daily readers talked about playing games and it got me thinking.  I guess that is why I read my daily 4 books.  To stimulate my mind.  Anyway I love playing games.  Mostly board and role playing.  Video games are okay, but they just don't grab me as much as others.  Over the years I have been accused of playing to win since I play hard.  These people never get that I don't care about winning I just like a good solid game.  For me like in life it is me giving you my best.  Hopefully you will do the same.  Keeps the game sharp and fun for me.  Although I know many who like just to relax during game play.  For me it is a metaphor for life.  Always give it your best and life won't slide into a rut.  I know you only coast down hill so I like to get the momentum going in the other direction.  Then it just takes on a life of its own.

Throwing the Towel In

Well I reordered my medication.  Feeling that need to push a little to do stuff.  Yes I can put the little energy into it, but I don't like to.  Rather put my energy into better things.  So I will have to find ways of saving money in other areas.  Maybe food?  Nah, just joking.  Like always I will find a way and it keeps me on my toes in the business world.  Well just 127 minutes till the refill is done.  Now the waiting begins and my head pounds.

Men Reaquaint Yourselves with Your Feelings

Being a father has been the single most important thing that has happened in my life.  Being able to be so actively involved in my son's life when he was young gave me the opportunity to go back and re learn through him a lot about acknowledging and respecting my own feelings. 

I remember talking to a friend who was expecting his first child.  Hey was looking to be like his uncle who had never changed a diaper.  I looked right at him and asked why was he having a child then.  He didn't have an answer.  It was like buying a fancy car that you will never drive, but just look at.  If you don't want to drive don't buy one.  Children are gifts and should always be treated as such. I would never trade all the late night feedings, smelly sh*t all over everything, tantrums, etc.  For the looks, first teachings, hugs, and all the other gifts that parents get from their children.  My son was so much a part of my everyday life.  From the time he was a few months old to today.  We are always in the thick of life.  He has always been a part of any office I worked in. 

I knew that would be the thing I missed the most when my ex and I separated.  The daily interaction with my son that was so much a part of my life.  I feel sorry for anyone who choose not to be part of the experience.

My Perfectionism

Well I finally picked up my writing yesterday.  Like most of my creative outlets my perfectionism runs deep.  If it isn't perfect I can get very frustrated very fast and put it down.  Why I must believe I must do everything perfectly is no mystery, but problematic.  It is always about being lovable.  So the war still rages on and it is still work, but I am grateful to know I can get past it.  That I don't need to be able to jump to 60 mph in 2.5 seconds.  That it takes time and practice to master anything.  Don't really like that, but accepting it. 

Anyhow I was grateful that I hadn't deleted all my writing stuff over the summer and was able to pick it up again yesterday and add more to it.  I know I need my creative outlets for without them I can become stressed.  However in the past I have used them to numb myself out.  So now I am looking for a balance like everything else in my life.

Beach Epiphany

One of the reasons I moved to this area is that I wanted to be close to the beach.  Having grown up on an island I don't like being away from the water.  Since I've been down here I have taken advantage to go down the seashore to relax and meditate.  I find it soothing and usually washes my stress away.  Well today's foray was nice if not a little wet.  I did have an epiphany while doing my Christmas Walk.  People just don't clean up their dog's SH*T!  It is hard to relax if ever 10 steps you need to walk around a little pile.  Usually it wasn't a pile anymore.  The wind had blown the little logs all over the place.  I guess I have a new appreciation for the summer months when the beaches are cleaned every night. 

Christmas Morning

Well I got up early to help the 3 year old boy in the house celebrate Christmas.  It's his first with his parents separated.  So we worked hard to make it a special one.  It is special event to watch a small child rip into the presents.  Overwhelmed by the colors, lights, and toys.  I was grateful to be part of it.  Since I could not be with my son this holiday I grateful to bring happiness to another boy's heart.

Well I just came up to my tree to open my presents from Santa.  Some are still in the mail, but I opened the ones I had.  Stealing a line from Tony Soprano, "I thought my head was going to explode."  Sometimes the feelings are just painful.  I am waiting till 11 to call my son and wish him a Merry Christmas.  Also to make sure he knows why I don't see him on this holiday.  Can't leave that up to my ex.  I don't want him to even consider I don't care and I know if there are any blanks it will be filled with these negative thoughts.

Well so far my withdrawal symptoms seem a lot less this morning, but hey the day is young.

The Spirit of the Season

"Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps;  for he is the only animal that is stuck with the difference between what things are, and what the ought to be."  ~ William Hazlitt

As I sit here on Christmas Eve by myself communicating with friends and keeping myself occupied.  I wonder is this a merry holiday or not for me?  Many people I know have offered there sympathies on my situation and I have thanked them for them.  I can't say it is the best situation, but I will make the best of it.  I could have seen family, but I doubt if I would have been happy.  I could have seen my son, but I would rather have the 2 extra weeks during the summer than this one night.  So like the rest of my life I make the best of the situation.  I have enjoyed my day except for this stupid head pain (see today's other entry).  I will continue to do so tonight and tomorrow.  For I know if I can't enjoy myself I will never enjoy my time with someone else.  It is an age old problem for me.  Looking for others to fill up what is lacking in me.  So I take these quiet times and use them to make myself a better person.  That will always tell me if I should laugh or weep.  Am I moving in the right direction.  Self enlightenment or self indulgences.  Looking to make things better or looking at something else so I don't have to look at myself.  I am happy to say I don't know how things should be, but I do know where I am at the moment.  That is all I need right now.  I will get to where I am going.

Day 2 or is 3

Well it is day 2, actually day 3, but since withdrawal symptoms started yesterday it is day 2 to me.  Yes in an effort to try to make ends meet each month I am seeing if I can do without my anti depressent.  Well all I can think of is Jerry Lewis in the Nutty Professor.  When he is having withdrawal from his drug.  That is the way  feel.  Can't really move my head fast.  The sloshing of my brain just doesn't feel good.  IT is a good weekend for it since I don't have to work.  I'm monitoring how I am doing and so far so good.  My doctor said I would have a headache, but my brain being sore is not a headache.  So hopefully by Monday this will have all passed. 

So this holiday weekend I am enjoying no work, by relaxing and watching movies.  I went to see the new King Kong today and I was very impressed.  Also used my gift certificate for Panera Bread.  It was okay, but unless I have a gift certificate I'm not paying $7 for a sandwich that has a fancy name and less on it than a normal deli.  S tonight I think will be either a night of painting or writing.  I'm feeling creative in all this pain or maybe it's just another side effect.  Well Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

If You Are Already Married? Sorry

The Wife Translations Guide

The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want

The wife says: It's your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious

The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You'll pay for this later

The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain

The wife says: Sure... go ahead
The wife means: I don't want you to

The wife says: I'm not upset
The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron

The wife says: You're... so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot

The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.

The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.

The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!

The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.

The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!

The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.

The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.

The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.

The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.

The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.

The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.

The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]

The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No

The wife says: No
The wife means: No

The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No

The wife says: I'm sorry
The wife means: You'll be sorry

The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it

The wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place.

The wife says: Was that the baby?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him

The wife says: I'm not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!

In answer to the question "What's wrong?"

The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.

The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.

The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot.

The wife says: I don't want to talk about it.
The wife means: I'm still building up steam.

If You Are Getting Married READ This

14 Things You Really Should Have Done Before Getting Married

1. Watch yourself eating in front of a mirror. If you're put off, that's the view your future partner will have...

2. Live on your own. It's important that you find out what a hopeless slob you are before your beloved tells you. And then leaves you...

3. Go out with your friends for a "quick drink" and stagger home three days later...

4. Have a holiday romance with someone who doesn't speak a word of English. Who needs conversation?

5. Women: Take the soft toys off your bed. Nothing turns a man off more than performing in front of an audience of beady-eyed teddies...

6. Men: Get rid of those "How to Get Girls Even Though You're Poor and Ugly' books. They never work anyway...

7. Gobble the last slice of pizza without having to go through the 'No you have it, no really... Are you sure you don't mind...?

8. Walk about the house naked, without having to hold any bits in...

9. Have friends of the opposite sex. After marriage, it's too much effort to keep saying: "No, I really don't fancy them"...

10. Men: Enjoy that wardrobe space while you can! You will not believe the vast number of shoes that one woman needs...

11. Women: Fill in silly magazine quizzes with titles like 'Are You Seductive', without having to listen to loud laughter from your partner (who then runs off with the magazine)...

12. Men: Get rid of anything inflatable and female-shaped...

13. Relish clipping your toenails straight onto the carpet...

14. Remember that your best option with in-laws is to marry an orphan...

Christmas Thoughts

Well I have to admit that Christmas is my favorite holiday of the year.  Yes I am a Christmas boy and proud of it.  I turned all the lights out last night except the tree lights and did my little dance around the tree and enjoyed just looking at it.  This was the first year I bought presents for myself officially and that was the only stumbling block I had.  I always like to have all presents done in November.  This has always kept the holiday stress free for me.  My secret has always been keeping my list short.  I could by stuff for everyone I know, but I could also hang myself too.  Neither option looks appealing to me.  Maybe it is just a guy thing.  My ex use to buy for everyone under the sun and would go crazy trying to find the right present for that list of people which constantly grew.  You'll get cards to know that I care and am thinking about you through the holidays as I do all year round.  To get a present you have to be on a very short list unless you are a kid and then of course.  It works for me and keeps the holiday stress free for me so that I can enjoy the spirit of the holidays.

.... and yes these are my Christmas balls.  LOL.

Hmmm. What do I Say?

Well my son most likely met my one of my brothers for the first time last night when my Mother visited him.  I can't remember if I ever told my son about him.  We already had a talk about my Dad and why we didn't talk, but I think my brother never came up.  Hmmm.  I know my son is naturally curious which is a good thing.  So I am thinking of what to say.   It is hard when kids are young.  To explain these dysfunctional family dynamics to a six year is always a challenge.

Men's Health Issues

Since we all know that all the information we find on the Internet is absolutley true.  I have to share this piece of good news.

 

 

 

Purpose and Meaning

"In our fast paced lives the temptation is to cut corners, get results, do things quickly, and move on to the next thing.  In this process we become sleep walkers, moving through our lives without life moving through us."

As I sit here today meditating on things.  I miss my co pilot.  My son Eric.  From the time he was born he became my co pilot on all my errands and jobs that I needed to get done.  While I did always make time for us to stop and do things for fun.  My point for him was that their would always things to be done, but they never had to be chores.  They could be great, fun experiences.  From food shopping to laundry all these things needed to be done, but no one said that they couldn't be fun. 

Through all of this I hope he picked up my need for a fee minutes of quiet time each morning to pray and meditate.  Also the need to talk with a friend about how I was feeling.  Instead of keeping it all inside. 

I know he is like me. Rebels against being told to do something, but accepts a personal sharing and gets it better.  The old adage is true.  Children learn more by watching then by being told.

Grumble, grumble, grumble

Well I am $200 poorer than I was and hour ago.  Just got a letter from my bank saying they made an adding error and I have $200 less in my account.  Greeeeaaaaatttt.  Well I am laughing at it cause I am use to this stuff in my life.  It's funny since i was just talking to a friend about this stuff.  He was saying well it has to get better.  I said I haven't found that out yet.  Since I have been improving myself I told him I find I have more crap than I ever did.  I just handle it better.  So I am better.

Got my routine letter from my Mom trying to reconcile my brother and myself.  I guess it is a motherly thing to do, but I wish she would take the hint of the lead balloon I have thrown her way.  Just stay out of it.  I have forgiven my brother, but I just don't want to waste all the energy dealing with all his abuse.  30 something years of it is enough for me.  Anymore and shame on me.  I am perfectly happy with the way things are and not looking for any change.

4 Days and Counting

Well tonight was the last big night of valet before Christmas.  Boy am I glad.  I may have legs of steel now, but boy are they sore.  My sugar momma (lol) gave me my biggest tip to date of $40.  Love it when she come in. 

Always say night and goodbye to everyone in the building I do valet in.  It is nice to have everyone wish us happy holidays.  One woman even gave us tins of nuts tonight.  Don't even know her name.  It was very sweet.  My partner and I laughed that these people appreciate us more than our boss does.  Working on forgiveness for him instead of a baseball bat upside his head with all the problems he is giving us this week.

Everyone now knows we were the only ones not to get bonuses at the club.  So it was very nice of the chef tonight to give me a Christmas card and say I appreciate you Mike.  Hey it's the little things in life and special people that make it grand. 

 

What a Strange, Strange Night

Well I just finished eating dinner of left overs.  It was pretty good except for spaghetti which oddly tasted like barf.  I am now wondering if I should have ate as much of it as I did before the smell got to me.  So I am wondering if I am going to get sick or not.  Very tired tonight and making bad decisions.

Anyhoo it has been a strange night.  My valet boss chewed me out for a enforcing a rule he made a long time ago with the reason he just changed 10 seconds before hand.  Still not winning any points after no Christmas bonus.  Anyway his breakup with his girlfriend has stooped to a new level when he showed up with a new girl tonight to show off.  Oh God did he show off.  He even tipped up!  Then off he went to find his old girl friend to show her his date.  God are we 5?

The whole point of this little narrative is the strange things women will say to a bunch of guys out of the blue.  A woman tonight made #2 on my Top 5 List of Weird Sexual Things Women have said to me.  Now these women I was not dating and most I really didn't even know there name, but they felt the need to share.  So here it is.

#5  You know my nipples are getting hard.  They do that sometimes.

#4  I was a stripper when I was in college.

#3  You know I can suck a trailer hitch through a garden hose.  (She wasn't drunk. LOL.  I think she meant to say she could suck the chrome of a golf ball).

#2  Doesn't my cell phone ringer sound like a 70's porn film.

And the grand pooba is

#1  You know I don't have a gag reflex.

Now this is #1 because it takes a lot to shock me and this did it.  What do you say after that statement?  Well it's a list in progress and in the season of Top 10 list here is my addition to it. 

How to Make a Woman Happy

 

 Joke: How to make a woman happy? It's not difficult. To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5 a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest (white lies okay)
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. to never forget:

* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Feed him
2. **** him
3. Shut the **** up

I Can't Believe It

I woke up refreshed this morning after two night s of really good sleep.  I remembered this morning that major emotional upsets always make me tired.  Grateful I don't shut down anymore, but it still blows a few circuits and I need sleep.  I just couldn't believe I had forgotten this.  It was my life for so long when I was married and I had forgotten it.  Cool. 

My therapist was surprised I recovered from the experience of separation so fast. She surmised it was because I was emotionally out of it for a while.  Yes this was true, but I think it was all the free energy.  I had put so much energy in trying to bring Lazerus back from the grave that their wasn't anything left for me.  Now I have so much energy for myself and my needs.  It's awesome. 

Still no word on my divorce.  The papers are sitting with my ex as they have been for the last 6 months.  However I am tired of fighting this.  Everytime I get my business up and going something new comes up between us and my business suffers.  So I am happy with things as they are.  I am satisfied with how things are with my son and that is my only importance.  In the future I will subpeona her to court to find out why she is dragging her ass, but it won't be until I am again on firm footing.

My Insane Rantings

When I was young blacks were blacks and not African Americans, Chinese & Japanese were considered Orientals not Asians.  And yes I walked to school up hill both ways in the snow with cardboard shoes and avoiding Saber tooth tigers.  I've battled the PC battle over the years.  But now this is truly the last straw.  The Brontosaurus is no longer a Brontosaurus, but a Apatosaurus.  What kind of crap is this!  Is this the legacy of new math.  Whatever the hell that was.  Are we so sensitive that we care about how a dinosaur with the brain the size of a walnut feels about having the wrong name.  It's been dead for 3.5 million years for God's sake!

Since I am rating might as well get this one out.  Been saying Happy Holidays to everyone since I know everyone is not Christian.  Boy some joker got in my face saying, "NO IT"S A MERRY CHRISTMAS".  If a tip wasn't involved I would have said, "Hey buddy (really dumb ass) not everyone celebrates Christmas.  Get a clue!"  Okay I feel better now.  Thanks for letting me rant.

Feel the Wrath of My Nuts

Since most everyone likes dirty jokes I have been sending out a daily email with a bunch on it.  I don't put them on here so as not to offend anyone.  If you would like to join this circle of friends.  Just email me and let me know.  mikev009@aol.com

 

A farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool, chops, etc... After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant and phones a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down in the grass and roll around when they are pregnant.

The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try did not take and loads them into the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass. "No", she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

Monday Morning

Well with feelings of sadness yesterday, enjoying time with friends last night, then a early bedtime.  I find myself getting off the emotional rollercoaster this morning.  A little shaken, but not stirred.  Still just letting the feelings be, but would like to push them along since I have a lecture Wednesday.  Though I know they move at their own speed and any pushing from me only makes them move slower.  I thank everyone for their concern it does help. If anyone ever wants more infor on any of my shares please feel free to drop me a line or IM me. 

A Double Punch

Got a double shot of sadness today.  Were I live there are other single parents with kids.  It makes a nice living setting.  So when I was leaving today one of the little boys came running up and jumped in my arms to say goodbye.  It was nice to give him a hug.  It reminded me of how it was to have my son around daily.  It reminded me how much I miss him. 

The second shot was a surprising one.  I called my Mom for our weekly call and she informed me that my Dad had had a stroke (they have been divorced for 38 years).  He was doing okay.  I was really surprised how sad I felt and how much the information affected me.  We were never close.  I was scarred of him for my childhood and we haven't had contact in about 15 years. 

I don't like being sad or crying, but they are just feelings.  So it is always a workout for me to just feel them and not do anything about them.  So I am sharing them all day today.

Being Complete

Talking to friends and the question always comes up if I want more kids.  My answer is yes with the right person, but having another child will not complete me.  The answer I usually hear is that the person needs a child to complete them.  So I thought about that a lot last night.  Being complete.  I remembered my past when I looked for a lot of different things to complete me.  Relationships, sex, material objects, etc.  Over the last few years of working on myself this looking has been lifted.  I think this is why I might have had a hard time thinking of a present for myself this year.  I know that nothing I buy myself will be earth shattering, but the act of taking care of myself is important for me.  The weird thing that I have noticed is that how I use to always open the refrigerator looking for something yet not knowing what.  I would open the door look inside for a while then close it. Befuddled that I couldn't find what I was looking for.  Whatever that was.  Now I never do it.  Strange.  I guess along the way I have found what I was looking for and happiness and contentment have followed.

Ain't No Stairway To Heaven

Well the last of the brutal nights ended at valet last night.  I think I was cursing those last few steps at midnight last night. The big thing last night was the continuing saga of my boss and his girlfriend.  They have an annual breakup and it is happening now.  For some reason this year he is in a foul mood in it.  He's been trying to strike back at her.  So for the last few days he's been trying to get my partner to leave her truck open so he can get in it.  She's a nice lady and we don't want to get involved.  So we have been hiding her truck all over the place and telling him she hasn't been using us.  So last night he actually walked around all the surrounding parking garages looking for her truck.  We were glad we parked it next to the security booth cause he found it.  Oh well the drama will continue.

COPS

Well it was a very brutal night at valet last night.  Torn between the good Christmas money and the pain of 60 cars a night = running 1 block and 2 flights of stairs/car.  Well my partner and I were the only ones not to get a Christmas bonus from the club.  I wasn't expecting one, but appreciation is always nice.  My bosses job of that we finally have work went over like a lead balloon. 

Anyhoo we had so many people come at once they were lined up around the block.  LOL.  I come to get another car and we suddenly get surrounded by 2 cop cars and 3 bike cops.  I felt like I just pulled off the Brink's job.  So they shut us down.  It was weird, but since I like to land on my feet I was able to redirect the crowd to the garage.  Which in turn was better since we didn't have to park anyone, but still got the money from them.

So as every morning I hate my stairs as I moan and ground going up and down them.

What Do Women Really Want?

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question.

Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question? What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered.... is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day.... or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below, BUT.... make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?

The moral is: .... If you don't let a woman have her own way.... things are going to get ugly!

What Woman Really Mean

Well here it is the scientific test to see if you really know what women mean.  Works for both men and women.  I got 78%.  Must have been from all those times I was dropped as a baby.  Brain just isn't right anymore. LOL.

http://www.drunkcow.com/content/5484.html

What Do I Want for Christmas?

Talking to a friend the other day and we were talking about what we wanted for Christmas.  It really stopped me I hadn't even thought about it this year.  Wasn't expecting anything so I didn't even think about it.  So I have a few bucks and it would be nice to have something under the tree.  Been contemplating movies or a cd, but I want to get as much bang for my buck as I can.  So I am looking around.  I do have a list which I always keep of stuff I want, but nothing really grabs me at the moment. So I will keep looking and I know something will catch my eye. 

Having brain fartage today so the entry is short.

Who Understands Men?

  The nice men are ugly.
The handsome men are not nice.

The handsome and nice men are gay.
The handsome, nice and
heterosexual men are married.

The men who are not so handsome
but are nice men have no money.

The men who are not so handsome
but are nice men with money
think we are only after their money.

The handsome men without money are after our money.

The handsome men, who are not so nice
and somewhat heterosexual
don't think we are beautiful enough.

The men who think we are beautiful,
that are heterosexual, somewhat nice
and have money are cowards.

The men who are somewhat handsome,
somewhat nice and have some money
and are heterosexual are shy and...
NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!

The men who never make the first move,
automatically lose interest in us
when we take the initiative.

NOW... WHO UNDERSTANDS MEN?

The Art of Listening

Because I can hear I think I am listening.  At times that has been far from the truth.  In general men have more of a problem with this than woman.  Since listening is an aspect of empathy which men in general aren't taught.  I know I can get so caught up in my feelings and fears that I forget to listen.  I knew as I grew up, and still do, I felt enormous pressure to be good, be perfect, be strong, to be accomplished.  When I feel I have failed in any one of these areas I can become scarred to death that I will lose love and respect completely.  The conclusion is I am a bad person.  Intellectually I know all of this is crap, but in the moment with a flush of feelings and a old 8 track tape playing in the back of my mind.  It can feel VERY REAL. 

Christmas Feelings Part III

Well I couldn't help myself yesterday.  I saw some Spongebob ornaments that looked great.  I also saw some Dora ones that I was going to pass up, but they has Swiper in the pack so I had to get it.  So cranking up the Christmas tunes I added them to my tree last night.  I have to be careful I am slowly running out of room on my little tree.

My Christmas gripe.  We can clone animals, place satellites on a dime millions of miles away, map the human Genome, but we still can create a string of Christmas lights that when one bulb goes so does the other 99.   Hate looking for the one burned out bulb.  Actually it just goes in the garbage and I get a new one.