As a boy I felt constant and enormous pressure to act like some idealized image of a man. I don't know where I got it from, but I always felt I needed to be strong, mature, responsible, and must not make mistakes.
I think it came from the looks and the silence or words that followed a mistake. I think it reinforced a distorted unattainable image of perfection. If I did not live up to this image I had failed in my families eyes.
Now years later those eye are mine. That image is still in my head and I can be very harsh on myself when I don't attain the level of performance that I have set for myself. It's an exercise that needs work one circumstance at a time.
What made me think of this. I don't know. I guess the random thoughts as I look over my sons progress reports from his therapist at school. It took a lot of work on my part and with help from the courts to get my ex to get our son help. Divorce is never easy for a child and the extra crap along the way didn't help (see my other journal). Everything that was said was good, but they were working on my son's self esteem. That just hurt. Worked very hard with that to give him something that I never had and to see it in black and white just hurt. I am grateful he has the resources to help which I didn't.
2 comments:
Unfortunately children of divorced parents usually blame themselves. They think for some reason they must have done something wrong to cause the breakup of their parents. With the help he is getting, the self estem will come. And you are a great father for realizing just how important that is to give him.
~ Jenny
I already know you are an excellent dad so dont be so hard on yourself. Its your ex that has the issues!
Hugs, lisa
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