Friday

Well I am happy I can access my journal today since I couldn't do so yesterday.  Anyway I am trying to take everything one moment at a time today since so much is going on. 

I'm busy the afternoon in the office then I am working valet from 5 to 2 am tonight with big parties.  Tomorrow I leave in the morning to do my 14 hour round trip to NY to pick up my son.  So I am trying to get many things done this morning to be ready. 

I stopped by to see my Mom and do some exercises with her and tell her I wouldn't see her till Monday.  I was impressed she knew people in the pictures which was good.  I found a new place for her that would work until her money ran out sometime in the next year then we would have to move her into their nursing home unit, but at least it would all be the same place.  So I'll try to get the paperwork down over the next week while Eric is here, but he is my main focus for the week.

Had to track down my divorce papers this morning since the clerks office apologized since they have no clue where they went.  So I can pick them up Monday. 

Doing better today.  I have been bothered the last few days and when I meditated on it.  I realized that I am feeling less than about myself.  It has to do with all my Mom's stuff.  I am unable to meet my expectations of what I would like for her, but since I am playing by her financial rules it is out of my hands.  So reality and expectations clash and I think less of myself even though I am getting many compliments for the work I am doing.  Like usual it is easier to listen to the bad than the good.  So I worked yesterday on building myself back up and feel better today.

I know you gals say this all the time, but it still surprises me when I catch a woman looking at me.  It was funny last night at valet as I was coming out of the parking garage I went pass this woman.  When I turned to check her out I caught her already checking me out.  It was pretty funny.

RRRRR

Well my son didn't call Monday during our normally scheduled time.  Nor yesterday.  I called yesterday and today to make sure everything was ok.  Got no response.  There is always some crap that comes up the week I am going to pick him up.  So I was torn are they dead and can't call or is my ex doing the usual psychological torture.  One of these days I am going to drop kick her head across a football field.  Anyway later than normal my son did call me.  No explanation nor did I look for one from him since it is not his responsibility. 

Anyway I am the proud daddy with this being Eric's last day of first grade.  He got all 3-4's on his report card which was great.  Funny he already got his supply list for 2nd grade. 

On my Mom's front we are now looking for a nursing home since her money isn't going to last very long and she should be qualified for Medicaid now.  I had hoped to give her more time in a nice facility, but it is not to be. 

Oh I Forgot This One

During my trek up from Florida at one of my many pit stops.  I walked into the rest stop and went to the bathroom seeing the "men" letters.  On walking in I saw 2 women at the sinks.  Whoops!  I guess I missed the "wo-" in front.  Oh well.  The ladies had a good laugh.

Tuesday Night

Well the new bed is in and it is glorious.  I was kind of thinking that it was an extravagance for me and to stick with the air mattress, but after sleeping on a real bed for the last few nights I knew it was the right move.  Slowly making changes throughout the office making it nicer for business and personal. 

My son didn't call last night on our normal scheduled night nor tonight.  I called and left a message saying I was worried since I didn't hear from him.  So we will see what tomorrow brings.  I was surprised that my letter to my ex worked to a point.  She is still contacting me through the mail system, but at least she is using it for communicating our son's information and welfare instead of through him.

I have a appointment with a new place for my Mom tomorrow so we will see.  The big problem is that at the cost of these places she has about 6 months of money before going to a nursing home.  We had one place say they wanted a 4 year commitment which would be $250,000.  Yeah we all have that burning holes in our back problems.  So still trying to come up with a solution.

I miss not having a bathtub now.  It was nice last night to pick up a candle and some bath oil to sit and relax at the hotel.  A nice treat. 

Hot & Sweaty

Whew!  Well I am back home after dropping all Mom's stuff at her place.  Glad to hear all the nice things about her and I realized that most people even staff don't know she will be moving out at some point.  She was doing well and having someone sitting with all day seems to be doing her good.  Finding a new place has hit a snag in that one they are more expensive and that when money runs out she will have to go to a nursing home since there is no Medicaid acceptance.  So we are pondering what to do. 

The funny thing at the facility is that I am the "handsome son".  So I have all of the aid staff running up to say hello.  LOL.

Okay now comes the hard part of shifting back to normal work mode.  Glad the day isn't packed since I need time.

Monday Evening

Well I did about 9 hours of the drive.  I was thinking about doing the last 4 1/2 hours, but then it just hit me and I was really tired so I stopped.  Glad I did because I am really bushed and I don't want to start the first day back in the office wiped.  Talking to my friend this morning he said I finally sounded alive in many a day.  So Taking this time to relax will help.  Now the hard part will be staying awake till I am hungry again for dinner.  I just ate a little while before I stopped.

I learned a few things in my drive today.  That road kill in the deep south doesn't really have raccoons or possums.  It's all armadillos.  They must be top heavy creatures since they were all dead on the back.  The other is that classic rock stations seem to go by different animals.  In VA Beach we have the Fox, but on the way up I listened to the Gator, the Eagle, the Hawk, and the Black Dog.  I don't see what the connection is between these things, but I am tired.

The first part of the trip I think all the stress of the last few weeks came out.  I was completely nuts in the car.  I have to say I was scared that I had lost my sanity.  However tonight finds me in my usual place in my head.

Monday Morning

Well it was really nice to just sit around yesterday, watch TV, and read.  I didn't think I would get a chance to relax on this trip.  I could have left yesterday about 3 if I wanted to, but I am glad I just took it easy.  So I'll have breakfast with my Aunt & Uncle before I go.  I'll drive 7-8 hours today then stop to rest and finish the trip tomorrow.  Trying to break my man on a mission mindset.  While it allows me to get a lot done and I can really stress myself out.

While I was probably anorexic as a child I realized on this trip that many of my episodes of weakness that I thought were from hunger were probably anxiety attacks.  Saturday in trying to get it all done at once I had one of those attacks.  Room spins, weakness, etc.  Haven't had one in a long time, but I knew I just had a big meal with my Aunt & Uncle so I knew I wasn't hungry.  So I put 2 and 2 together.  Food and sex does calm the body down and I have done both over the years to bring myself back to normalcy.  So it was interesting to connect some dots.

It's weird since Fridays conference it is hard to think of my Mom's place as a warm place.  I know deep down I am angry with them and it will take a while to let that go.  So it feels weird to bring move all my Mom's stuff in there till we move her out, but their is no place else to put it.  Also we are paying for the space so we might as well use it.