On the Record

I figured when I did my last entry it would stir up a hornet's nest out there.  For the record I am not breaking up with April due to phone or time constraints.  They are minor irritations.  What I have discovered is that while having all these healthy things in a relationship there is also a unwritten spark that needs to be there.  And it's just not.  I rode the pendulum swing to the opposite side and I found April.  I need to hitch a ride again and land somewhere more in the middle.  I think Jackie said it best with her "well rounded" comment.  While it has a nice curve on one side it is flat on the other.  I still haven't heard back from April and who knows she may feel the same way.

The Next Step

THE EVOLVING RELATIONSHIP

The most important move is to begin.

We begin weaving by stringing vertical threads on a loom to form the foundation of a new cloth. Then horizontal threads are interlaced back and forth, and we create a fabric. As the cloth begins to form, new possibilities open before us. After we weave in the first color we can then envision other colors that will work with it. The most important move is to begin.

Sometimes new possibilities occur to us only through action. If we take the risk of the first step and keep our eyes open, we will see the next step. Too much planning, too much carefulness and analysis, may block all action.

 

This was my daily meditation I got this morning. I thought it pretty funny since I am told that I over think things too much.

Anyway after much thought I think I am going to end it with April.  The spark started Wednesday when we went out.  The questions from everyone fanned the flames, but what really did it was talking to my landlord.  We weren't talking about this, but about a old tenant he still helps out.  He was relating how she grew up in poverty and the guy she was with had some wealth.  Now that she is back on her own she is back in squalor.  He had hoped she would have learned to want more.  That was it.  I'm so use to living and thriving on little emotional sustenance that I too fall back on old habits.  April has many good qualities I've never had in a relationship before, but there are many things I want that are lacking.  PDA's being one of them.  I still feel no more intimate with her that I did after our first date.  And I realize while I don't need chemistry to drive a relationship I do need a certain level that is not here.  Boy it's been a LONG time since I've had to break up with someone.

Friday Night

It was pretty funny at Starbucks tonight.  These Turkish brothers are almost always their.  I guess they are my age at least that is what they said.  One of the brothers is always hitting on the younger women there.  Anyway both of them are there today and they started up this converstaion with these 20 year olds.  I was suprised when the girls moved closer to talk to them.  Then the guys had to leave and the girls were calling them pedophiles and making tons of father jokes which I thought was pretty funny since they agreed to move closer to them.  What really became funny is when one of them started making eyes at me.  LMAO.  I'm the same age. 

So I tried my hand or foot as it would be at salsa tonight.  It was fun and I will probably go back next week.  I met a lot of nice people, but it would have been nice to go their with someone.  That feeling hit me with the inaccessability of April.  Being squirreled into small spots of free time.  Just like tonight.  When she is not expecting a call their is a good chance I won't recieve a reply till tomorrow night.  So my defect of impatience really flies up and my friends words of your not a couple yet so you should be dating other women echoes in my head.  So I sit here tonight trying to sort through my feelings.

$25,000 Question

The one question I have been asked over and over today is if there any chemistry between April and myself.  There is some, but I have had more.  I still do with some women I talk to, but I also realize the problems already existing.  So I am still naturally attracted (or trained) to these problem women.  I still remember my therapist stating that the instant deep connection was a person to run from.  She said there were just too many deep unconscious things going on that wouldn’t be good.  So I realize I am in uncharted territory with April.  I enjoy my time with her and look forward to seeing her.  However she doesn’t dominate my thoughts.  I am consciously aware of what goes on when we are together instead of riding a raft down the rapids of feelings. 

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My next step is really to see how the relationship responds to it being stretched.  Since we go out late after she gets home from work dinner and conversation has been our main fare.  I need something else for us to do or add to it to stress the relationship and see what happens.

 

Since we both like board games I may bring one when we go out to eat.  When she gets her brace off her wrist we can go bowling. 

 

I will say that I am starting to get frustrated about my inability to see much her due to her schedule.  Hopefully with me not working at nights it will help and I’ll be able to tell when she gets back from <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Baltimore. 

Relationship in Review

Since I now have my nights free I was reviewing my relationship with April since that is what I do.  Where's the unhealthy dependency, the manipulation, and all the crap?  I'm freaking out with out it.  LOL.  In a way I am truly.  I've worked hard over the years to attract healthier people.  April is the first one that I have developed a relationship with.  It is just so different from all my past ones that it's just strange.  It truly doesn't bother me, but like a new set of clothes.  It fits, but still not fully comfortable yet. 

I'm thinking if we go out late again I'll pick a place that we can play a game or something during our meal.  I know we both like board games and I need something for us to do for my own sanity.

Meanwhile on the office front a couple from the Filipino organization called and wants to come in next week.  So hopefully the universe is balancing everything out here.  That's my prayer and I'm sticking to it.

Quiet Time

Well it was finally quiet in the office today so I put it to good use which was helpful since it was the first of the month.  So I got everything ready for March and took care of business.  I sort of straightened out my storage room so I could at least get in there.  I dug out just about everything I needed.  Still can't find one book and my voter's registration.  So I think I am stuck until my taxes come back.  Everything personal goes to my PO box so I really have no proof of residence for the Rec Center to renew my membership and that stinks.  So I guess I am on forced hiatus from the gym until then.

Anyway I took a few pictures of myself since the one I had for my website was years old.  Even my patients were saying I needed a new one.  So I dug out my camera stand and went to work.  I liked it so much I put it here also. 

Well one down.  One of my patients referred someone for treatment and she'll come in tomorrow.  Just need to keep the ball rolling.  Hopefully someone will come in from the health fair yesterday.  At the least I gave out about 40 magnetic business cards so hopefully they will make it to the refrigerator.

Thursday

Well I have to admit I'm depressed today.  I feel like I have lost a loved one.  Such a regular staple in my life is no more and I feel its loss.  The money part really isn't playing a part in my mind.  I'm just going to miss a lot of people. 

Anyway with all this free time at night now.  Wow what a concept.  I'm signing up for a few activities that I have been putting off because of valet.  So I signed up to try the salsa class tomorrow night and I was happy to tell my friend Gina that I could come to her fencing class next week.  It will be nice to get out with people on a regular basis.