Guilty

I was sitting here doing laundry and thinking about L.  Wondering what will have to happen to feel safe that she is happy in the relationship.  That it's not going to end.  Then I caught myself looking to get something from someone else what I need to find in myself.  The fear I feel is my own and I'm the one who has to deal with it.  Reality check is that it a small amount of my day with the thoughts and that it really sparked with the concert question the other day.  L seems very happy and has given me many nice compliments.  With that is if she can go out with the convicted killer I should be okay.  LOL.  Being with her I have learned lose a lot of this fear of loss.  I know there is nothing I can do on her end.  On my end is the constant replay of all the reason I think she does like me and is happy.  It's a new area to learn and grow and as always I HATE growing pains.  I want painless, easy, serene.  These are the descriptions I want.  Atlas I know that is not to be and as my friend has said many a time.  The greatest amount of joy I have gotten is from the greatest amount of pain.  Not that he is a masochist, but growing and maturing especially when is should have been done decades earlier is emotionally painful.