Our First Hurdle

It was good to good to see L last night.  She seemed to be distracted though.  We decided to go get some sushi.  We talked in the car and L was sad that her friend J was gone all week.  I was surprised how disturbed she was by this.  We talked about Virginia Tech and she got very upset with that so I changed the topic.  Dinner was very different in that L just let me order and she was quiet.  I figured she was disturbed by VA tech since she had cried in the car.  After dinner I finally said do you want to talk about something.  She said lets go.  I was happy that we held hands in the car in that she still wanted the connection. 

When we got back to her place she sat down and was very serious.  She said a guy she had a one night stand a long time ago had called to tell her he had lied and that he had herpes.  Although he was taking medication for years and was inactive at the time he was with her, but the lie was eating at him.  L had talked to her doctor and she said that if something was going to happen it would of and the type the guy had was harder to transfer.  L was really scared when she said, "you can leave if you want."  I was okay with it.  I asked a few questions to my satisfaction.  I think L was scared that she could lose me over something she didn't have control over.  Also I think she was waiting for me to be angry and she was puzzled when I wasn't.  I told her she had been honest with me and I knew it had been hard on her. 

When I told her I loved her as one of the reason I was still there that was our next conversation.  She said she really cared for me, but didn't know if she loved me.  I was okay with that.  I told her I said it because that is how I felt and I need to be true to my feeling.  I also was not saying it to hear anything back.  I was happy to hear her say she knew that.  She was just worried with it being unbalanced was that bothering me and I was like no.

So the last thing we talked about was VA Tech.  L said she doesn't handle death very well.  So she cried a lot and tried to make sense of it all.  I told her killing another human being is insane and you can't make sense out of something that is insane.  She felt bad for being a baby and crying.  I told her crying should she was a loving individual. 

For me it was a great night of intimacy.  Something I really enjoy.  Then it all made sense.  All this stuff came up at one time and L's friend J wasn't around to talk to and she hates the phone.  I know if I couldn't talk to anyone in a crisis I would hang myself.  So L knows that she can call me now and I can come over to talk if she has a problem.  It was nice to see her relax and sleep like a baby last night.