What If Santa Really Answered His Letters?

A friend e-mailed it to me and I fowarded to a lot of people, but it was so damn funny I had to put it here.

Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy
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Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I
send you a f***ing book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace
And joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
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Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy And daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
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Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane.
Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his a** constantly? It's time to give up that dream.  Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum
kit, a pony and a tuba.
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Love,
Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays?  I bet you're gay.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for
Your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan
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Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when
Riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of
scotch.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
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Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend
Most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself Silly and squeezing the a**es of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, Like in the song?
Love,
Jessica
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Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible?  Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping
your house.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
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Timmy, That whiney begging sh** may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
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Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky
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Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your a**
whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a
low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the
burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa