One of my friends is getting out of the marines and is looking for a job. He just made his resume. In helping I found this and I figured I would share.
These are from actual resumes:
"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs.
"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."
"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."
"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."
"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
"Number of dependents: 40."
"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."
RESUME BLOOPERS
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
"Responsibility makes me nervous."
"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."
REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:
"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."
"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."
"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."
SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."
PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."
PERSONAL INTERESTS:
"Donating blood. 14 gallons sofar."
SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."
"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."
"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."
"I'm a rabid typist."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."
7 comments:
Should your friend put something down like:
Will engage in hand to hand combat for food...............
Since he's just gotten out of the MARINES, and does not have problems following orders, he should definitely work for a WOMAN!!!! LOL LOL
these were great; I'm sending them to my husband who works in management; he's probably heard of a lot of these excuses at one point or another
betty
funny stuff, lol made me laugh. I hope your friend doesn't have trouble finding a job.
God! I split a gut laughing over these. --angel
LOL!
Sometimes, my husband comes home telling me about some of the things he has heard when he is interviewing for positions in his company.
***Monica
I have been a resume writer since 1980. A client came in and said he was getting no response from his resume and wanted me to critque or rewrite it. His first line read, "I HAVE EXTENSIVE EXPERIENCE IN PUBIC RELATIONS." Talk about funny!!!!!!
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