Respect The Opposite Sex

I know that I joke about many things about men, women, and relationships in general.  There all based on actual stuff that happens, but as many jokes can go too deep.  In that we sometimes have to remember to respect the opposite sex especially around our children.  Harmless jokes in a young mind may give mixed signals.  We may all show and display our emotions and feelings differently, but they are still there inside whether we are male or female.  A parent's death is just as painful and a beautiful sunset is just as touching.  Not quite sure where I am going with this, but as one of my meditations talked about this morning.  I don't want to short change myself in life with these little jokes.  Well that is enough seriousness especially since now I am hearing the Banana Splits Theme Song.  So here are some jokes.

Marriage Scarier Than Hell

A few minutes before the church services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The old man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Aren't you afraid of me? Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep, " was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope."

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

A Lifetime Of Sex

1.) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

2.) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

3.) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4.) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "F*ck you!"

5.) The fifth kind of sex is Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.


He Said, She Said

He said. . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . . Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said . . . Well, you succeeded!

He said . . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said . . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . . Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?

She said . . . I would but you're never there.